My dad told me this exact same joke years ago, but he told it using engineeers and some other profession, and the punchline might have been a bit different.

 

It was engineers and accountants. When I heard it, the punchline was 'and that's how our department keeps our travel expenses down.'

 

Kind of dirty, but always got a laugh:

A cowboy is riding along in the desert. He comes across an Indian, stark naked, with an erection sticking straight up.

He asks him, "What are you doing?"

The Indian says "Telling Time."

"Uh, Okay. What time is it?"

Indian looks down and says. "One o'clock."

Cowboy shrugs and keeps riding. After a couple of miles, he comes across another indian, stark naked, boner sticking up. Cowboy asks him what he's doing. Indian replys, "Telling time."

"Ok, what time is it?"

Indian looks down and says "Four o'clock."

Cowboy shrugs again and keeps on riding. A couple of hours later he comes across yet another naked indian, this time jacking off like crazy. He says, "Let me guess. Telling time?"

Indian looks at him and goes. "No. Winding watch."

 

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

A piece of shit.

 

How do you stop five black men from raping a white woman?
Throw them a basketball.

What do you call ten niggars hanging out in your front yard?
Mississippi wind chimes.

What's the best thing a white woman's ever made?
A black man's baby.

There was this island where a tribe of trids lived, and everyday a they would cross a bridge to the mainland, a troll would jump out and kick them in the butt. One day, a lone one came to a city, looking for help. He found a rabbi and brought him back to the bridge.

The rabbi watched the trid cross and saw the troll jump out and kick him in the butt.

"Hey, troll, one minute! Why do you do this to these simple trids?"

The troll placed his hand on the rabbi's shoulder and spoke. "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids."

 

A guide to OS's. Most of these I haven't heard of....

Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn't compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
\FOOT\ ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.

 

Three guys are in the car: Shut Up, Trouble, and Shit. Shut Up is driving the car, and Shit flies out the window, so Shut Up stops the car, and Trouble gets out to go pick him up.

A cop comes up to Shut Ups window and asks "Whats your name?" "Shut Up." "Whats your name?!" "Shut Up!" The cop gets fed up and asks "Are you looking for trouble?" And Shut Up says "No, Trouble's back there picking up Shit."

There are 3 fleas on this woman and they're going to spend the night on her.

The 1st flea says "I'm gonna sleep between those 2 boulders up there."

2nd flea says "I'm gonna go sleep in those bushes."

3rd flea says "I'm going to sleep in that cave."

The next morning, all 3 of them get together, and the 1st flea says "I didn't sleep so great, those boulders kept squishing me."

The 2nd flea says "I didn't sleep much either, those bushes kept scratching me."

The 3rd flea says "I didn't get any sleep at all! This guy kept bobbing his head in an out of the cave and spitted on me!"

2 of my favorites.

 

The complete military history of France --

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at this time in history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

^Epic win, right there :awesome

 

This is arguable.

And as for people who claim that France never wins anything: Napoleon. Need I say more?

But they lost the Triwizard tournament, and that's all that matters.

 

I'd say you need to read more.

 

LOL, a friend of mine shared this with our entire history class a few years ago. The teacher loved it.

 

I guess I should say that I didn't write it.

While I am hardly a history expert, I do remember learning that Napoleon eventually lost while trying to invade Russia, and shit started going downhill from there, and in the end eventually got exiled from France.

Cliff Notes; French are a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys.

 

That doesn't change the fact that he conquered half of Europe any more than the fact that the USSR collapsed changes the fact that they beat us to space.

 

So did Nazi Germany, but nobody says their loss is debatable.

 

Yeah, but they certainly won a lot of battles first.

 

So I heard Gary Coleman died.


Shortest Funeral ever.