Thumbs for the Territorial Army dig. I'm gonna have to tell that to my mates in the forces.

 

I was at the massage parlour and the masseuse asked, "Any extras?"
I said, "No, get your own chewing gum."

My friend's wife left him at the weekend. She said she was going out for a pint of milk and hasn't been seen since.
I asked him how he was coping. "Not too bad", he said, "I've been using that powdered stuff".

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.
They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f**king start?"

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.
I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

 

I'm planning a marathon wank this Sunday.
Last time, I managed 6 miles before the police caught me

What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out, man

I went to the barbers the other day and asked for a number two all over
The cunt shat on my head

I saw a scarecrow wanking in a field today
Then I realised he was just clutching at straws

Last night I dreamt I wrote the hobbit and the lord of the rings books
Then I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life
Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer

 

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.

Just landed after a 24 hour flight back from Australia. Tomorrow was a really long day.

I kept seeing a vegetable stall every day in the same place on my way to work this week. The disabled really shouldn't be allowed to drive.

My exams start soon and I've been revising hard. Note to self : Don't take Viagra before revision.

What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Have you seen the ticket prices for The London 2012 Paralympics? Crippling.

 

I tried to organise a bukkake party but nobody came.

I decided to host one once. I don't know what came over me.

I went to one once, but there was just a load of sad old men and a fat saggy old bag there.
I remember saying at the time "I'm not sure why I've come".

What does Mr Miyagi do to relax?
Whacks off

The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
The child didn't look surprised

I went to the Charles Darwin museum yesterday
It starts off rubbish, but gets better as you go along

My grandparents names are Pearl & Dean but we know them as Grandma & Grandpa..pa..pa..pa..pa..pa...pa...pa!

I was arrested at a recent football match for shouting at the opposition fans: "Oxidisation! Combustion! Ignition! Friction!"
The police said my remarks were inflammatory

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts.
The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.
She must be found and stopped.

 

*Didn't precheck for repost and am praying it isn't*

 

I died reading that. Was probably funnier for me since I've had one. Not fun since the Doc decided on a light drug for me, so I was semi-conscious.

It kind of felt like I was plastered the entire time, and I only remember bits of it. I do recall making some pretty similar statements as the above, except a hundred times less witty. Doctor said it was the most interesting colonoscopie he had ever given.

Also, the doctor was kind enough to stick a monitor in front of me so I could see for myself....

 

#3 will get you every time. D:

 

I lol'd like a mad man.

 

My history textbook states that clairvoyant Mahatma Gandhi had terrible breath, but very tough feet from years of wearing sandals.
Apparently he was a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis

My wife hates the blinds I hung in the living room. It could be curtains for us

My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?"I said, "The long distance swimming one would be good!"

How many childish retorts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your Mum

I got stopped outside Boots the other day and got asked what grooming products I use.
The look on their face when I said Puppies and Haribo

 

A young Jewish man named Morris is getting on an El Al flight to Jerusalem when security stops him, looking at the two large duffel bags he is carrying
"Sir what's in the bags?" asks the security guard.
Morris raises the duffel bag in his right hand "This bag is full of money" he states proudly.
"And where did you acquire this money?" asks the guard a bit worried.
Morris shrugs and replies "I traveled all through Europe, and whenever I was in a men's restroom, I would grab any other man there by his member, pull my knife out and told him 'if you don't give all your money to Israel I'll slash your balls off' and so I got plenty of money"
The guard wondering if he should call for backup asks "and what is in the other bag?"
Morris grins "you wouldn't believe how many dumbasses won't donate to Israel"

 

Do you have to tell this "joke" to be allowed into Israel?

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

A pretty long story I found years ago and decided to look up. Read it, it's worth it.

 

^

Absolutely. Freaking. Brilliant.

 

And that, my friends, is why you do not declare War on God.

 

The only problem I can think of is that he never mentioned the ex's psycho new boyfriend after he stated it was coming. Still, absolute win.

 

If you just scroll through the story first you see words like Batman, Holmes, Stalingard, Jurrasic Park and "This is Sparta" and it gives a whole other impression of the story. I expected something completely different after that.