Here's a non-racial one.

What did the coat rack say to the hat?

You go on a head; I'll stay behind.

 

I said to my son, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "I'm off to meet a girl."
I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
"What?" He replied.
"A... you know."
"Do you mean a condom?" He asked.
"No, I meant a hat you ginger cunt."

 

Oh boy, offensive joke time.

:: What did the black woman name her 5 sons? Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone. How did she tell them apart?

Spoiler

She just called them by their last names.

:: What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler?

Spoiler

Phelps can finish a race.

:: I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to. He said, "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews, and two clowns!" Surprised, I asked, "Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?" He threw his hands up into the air, and said, "See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

:: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

Spoiler

Aids

:: How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

Spoiler

None... he fell.

:: What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

Spoiler

You can't take a joke.

EDIT: Removed Helen Keller cus I got owned for not reading.:facepalm

 

"In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don’t you get me a whisky you bitch." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!" Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard...




"Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, considers her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now, go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." 
"Good, son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.


"Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflies. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe chief with a spear who says, "Death or Unga Bunga?" The first guy says, "Unga Bunga because I don’t want to die!" So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick, and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds, and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying "Pick death! Pick death! " But the guy doesn’t believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and sees the guy staggering back saying "Pick death!" So the guy figures what the heck is. And he picks death and then the chief says, "Death by Unga Bunga!

 

Could use a little spacing, but all good jokes. EDIT: Hey hey, 500th post and I didn't even notice 'til now. Nice.

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​

Three men who were lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial.

The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explained the trial to him."You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied,

Spoiler

"I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

 

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

He was a fungi to be with.

 

Sorry its kinda hard to type from my cellphone, anyways here's more:


"One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing. "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won’t call you ’the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!" 
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won’t call you ’the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!" 
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won’t call you ’the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!" 
"But if you f*ck one goat....



"One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What’s next?" 
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?" 
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is "make love?" 
"asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?



"One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor, "Quick, quick, I need your help, my friend got bitten by a snake on his penis!" The doctor told him, "Son, you’re going to have to suck the venom out yourself." Bob asked, "Please, doctor, there has to be another way to get rid of the venom." The doctor says, "Sorry, there’s nothing we can do". So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there, Jay says with pain, "So what did the doctor say?" Bob says, "Doctor said, "you’re going to die.



"One man calls emergency, "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back, "It is OK, I found another one."


"There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told that he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o’clock rolled around, he got a call from his wife who said she’s very horny. On his way home, he remembered what the doctor had said and decided to jerk it before he got home. He thought, "Well, I can’t do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I’m fixing my car." So he got under the car, closed his eyes, and started jerkin it. A few minutes later, there’s a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he didn’t open his eyes, but just hollered, "Yeah?" 
"I’m officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" 
"Well, officer, I’m checking my axle; I think it’s come lose." 
"Well, mister, while you’re down there, you might want to check your brakes; your car’s 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree"



"There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What’s his story?" 
"Oh, it’s the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."



"Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."



"Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. 

"It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please." 

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" 
"Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.


I know this is a bit old one but it made laugh nonetheless:

""Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ’going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ’The audacity of hope!’ ’Yes, we can!’ ’A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ’We’re all screwed.’" 
–Jay Leno

 

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.


Courtesy of Jimmy Carr.

 

What does a female physicist asks her husband before leaving for a party?

Spoiler

Honey, does this dress make me look like I curve space-time more?

 

Where did Challengers occupants like to "hang out"?
All over Florida!

What does NASA really stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronaughts.

If a White and Black man jump off a bridge, who would hit the ground first?

The White guy, because the Black man would stop and write graffiti on the bridge.

 

Two Jewish ladies are sitting quietly on the bus.

 

What? Then what happens?

 

Jewish

10char

 

EDIT: Well, bugger. Another repost. Okay, lets see how these are taken, then.

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What's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, and the other's a crack snacker.

---

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

She replied, "Yes or No."

---

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

---

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.

"Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.

The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."


---

What are the two main ingredients in Viagra?

Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.

 

This:

Reminds me of these:

Dude 1: I hired a pair of lesbian carpenters to replace my flooring.

Dude 2: No shit? This looks great! Imma hire them too! What's their company name?

Dude 1:

Spoiler

Lickety Split Renovations.

... later ...

Dude 2: So I hired those dyke carpenter bitches, but now I'm pissed. They only do one kind of flooring.

Dude 1: I know, right?

Dude 2:

Spoiler

Yeah. Tongue and groove.

 

Well well, first joke of the new year. Hm.

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and me Dad says it will take the contagious."

 

...Take the contagious? The fuck?

 

"Take the cunt ages"

 

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse does not respond, because it is a horse and can neither speak or understand english. Confused by its surroundings it gallops out of the bar, knocking over several tables.