A catholic priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.

 

Here are some offensive jokes. Just as DLP likes them.


What's the difference between George Custer and Jack Daniels?

Spoiler

Custer stopped killing indians a long time ago.

What is the best part about an Ethiopian blowjob?

Spoiler

You know she is going to swallow.

Whats the difference between black people and cancer?

Spoiler

Cancer can get Jobs.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

Spoiler

9/11 victims they went through 98 stories in 2 1/2 minutes

Why are black people getting stronger?

Spoiler

Because TVs are getting bigger.

What do people have in common with sharks?

Spoiler

The great ones are white.

What's the difference between a baby and a kilo of coke?

Spoiler

Eric Clapton would never let a kilo of coke fall out of a window.

They say there is safety in numbers... tell that to six million Jews.

 

What's the secret to cutting onions?

Spoiler

Not getting attached to them emotionally.

What the fuck is wrong with the people who wear so much perfume that you smell them before you see them?

Spoiler

Probably Parkinson's disease. Could also be Alzheimer's.

If my showerhead had ears, it would be deaf by now. If it had eyes, it would be blind.

Spoiler

If it had a mouth, it would have syphilis.

I always sleep like a baby.

Spoiler

Just without the waking up crying every couple of hours thing.

I am trying to get ready for a stand up comedy performance, have a couple of pieces for it that are longer than these, would love to get the DLP level criticism on my humor. Would you guys like to hear the other jokes? They would be translations from Lithuanian, which actually might not work too well...

 

:facepalm
I really hope you were being sarcastic because those jokes weren't funny in any way.

 

Do you, perhaps, dislike black humor? Anyway, sorry if I don't start slashing my wrists just yet

 

Gotta agree with Bill Door, here. The only one that was remotely amusing was the onion joke. If you're going to do any of them, try browsing through here and see what was a success or not and memorize.

 

They aren't black humour, they just aren't funny. The onion one, I'll give you, it wasn't funny but at least it was recognisable as an attempt at a joke. The perfume one just didn't work at all. The showerhead one might work if you were a woman, but as your profile says you're male it doesn't make sense. I don't think the baby one is even meant to be a joke. Dead baby jokes are black humour, regular babies not so much.

This is more like black humour:

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

Spoiler

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

 

The perfume one might not work in text, kinda have to do the twitching hand thingie to illustrate the Parkinson's disease. I'll give you the baby one, it is weak. The showerhead - you use the mouth for blowjobs. On reflection, you have a point about the gender thing, maybe you could rephrase it to something like:
"If my girlfriend's showerhead had ears, it would be deaf. If it had a mouth, it would have syphilis. What the fuck am I doing with a syphilitic (is that a word?) chick? Where do you think she got it from?"

Any better?

Anyway, I can joke on the spot, people laugh a lot, but it's hard to translate that stuff to stand up material because, at least at first glance, the situations are to elaborate to fit into a short setup line... I still have shitloads of time, I will get better

One more up for an ass-raping:
My first girlfriend had to have an abortion... Okay, I'm lying, she didn't have a choice, I performed it myself. When I say that I performed it myself, I mean that I pushed her down the stairs... The sight was kinda horrible, but hey, we separated after that. When I say that we separated, I mean to say that the vertebrae in her neck separated... At least she looked lean at the funeral. Beauty requires a price, you know.

The phrasing absofuckinglutely sucks in English, but how's the general idea?

One really short one that probably doesn't work: I drove through an exclusive neighborhood yesterday.

Spoiler

Would rather not have to repeat it again, the Taliban landmines were a bit much.

 

Wanna hear a Nazi joke?

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Spoiler

"Ve vill ask ze questions!"

 

I dunno. It pales in comparison to things like...

I recently flew on Syrian Air; the flight attendant announced, "...in case of a hijacking, a knife will drop from the ceiling. Please rush to the front of the compartment and claim your life in the name of Allah."

(it's from an old Robin Williams bit- don't blame me if I got the wording wrong)

 

Your showerhead must be very different to mine

It might just be that jokes you use in stand up don't translate well into written form, you can't really replicate the effect of tone of voice and gestures.

I quite like the abortion one actually, but what's the punchline of the last one?

 

Basically, the idea of the last one was that when you say I drove through and exclusive neighborhood yesterday, people imagine some kind of gated community. Now, the punchline is Would rather not have to repeat it again, the Taliban landmines were a bit much. It destroys your assumption about a posh neighborhood with a war-zone one, which can also be kinda exclusive. Might have to reword, so it's clearer.

P.S. Wordhammer, of course it pales in comparison to Robin Fucking Williams, I'm new at this, he's a bawz

 

Well, obviously, some people find him hilarious, he wouldn't be so well-known otherwise. Unless he sucks cock really well... Food for thought.

 

Where's my goddamn facepalm button?

 

Custer that is the best face palm gif I have ever seen.

 

Every morning, just after waking up, I pray.

Spoiler

I don't ask for candy, would just be happy if the priest didn't come back to the bedroom

How bad is it?

 

I laughed, a little. Not the best, but I can see that ( or a variant of) be a pretty good stand up joke.

might as well include some jokes:

What did the pedophile say to the little girl?

Spoiler

Nothing, she was dead.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Spoiler

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.
Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.

 

When I pray, I know that Jesus hears me.

Spoiler

Annoying, the shrink said that if I took the medicine, my imaginary friends would disappear. I miss my red elephant, Ganesha...

You have to admit that prayer is calming.

Spoiler

I just pity all my imaginary friends, I snore loudly and they're light sleepers. Hey, if you can't see it, it doesn't mean that it's not real, right? I love you, Ganesha!

How bad is it?