That, and get rid of the harem. The majority of the chapter can be described as stuff happens, then we see everybody's reaction to it, regardless of relevance.

 

One of these days, you guys will remember this is crossed with Sekirei and you'll stop bitching about the harem. Considering the source material (on both sides), harem antics are expected.

I, for one, actually enjoyed this chapter. Considering the pacing of some of the more recent chapters, this one's words:shit-happening ratio was pretty damn good. Canon rehash or not, that was some serious plot movement for a story that's set itself at such a slow pace.

 

I'm not sure about Cruentus, but I actually enjoy the way he uses the harem and such. Antics were still funny, and the end-scene made me smile. The original draw of this story was how Shirou has the super-powered women and was thinking about being proactive with them.

I only mentioned it before to illustrate how wordy he can get, because from an characterization stand-point, what the fic focuses on, it was a huge deal, but just took too many words to resolve.

Still liking the story, just feel that it is not exactly hoping up with each chapter I read into it. Will still follow it.

 

That's no excuse. I've found other writers that can take something as flat as Sekirei and turn it into gold. We have here a huge cast of characters that sit around talking all damn day and not saying anything. Hell one or two of the fanfic that this thing spawned are more interesting to look at.

If you want to see how to make Sekirei more interesting just look at Veiled Moon over at TFF. It's had loads of more character development in it's first five chapters then this thing has chewing scenery all day.

 

I would have been happy if Shirou only had Homura, Akitsu and Matsu; all the rest just feel unnecessary and bog down the narrative for me. I don't think we'd lose anything if the rest of them had gone to other Masters.

Also: Veiled Moon FF.net (The hell is with that formatting?)

 

Veiled Moon just does it differently.

First and foremost, the first seven chapters revolve around only two characters, so the focus really gets to stay with them.

Second, the first chapter only gives us a cursory introduction to the characters, then flashes back for the next four chapters, in which the only character development happens through action-reaction instead of introspective analysis.

Then, we come back to present day and there's absolutely minimal plot movement for the next two chapters.

And then, the eighth chapter rolls around, plot doesn't move much, there's more reactive character development and then shit happens. And suddenly, harem.

If anything, Veiled Moon would be longer than In Flight already if it had a faster/more regular update rate. It's at 160,000 words and even less has happened than in In Flight at the same word count. At this rate, Veiled Moon is going to be much longer with an even worse words:shit-happening ratio.

All that said, Veiled Moon is a very good story. I like long stories with plenty of character development. I actually prefer stories that focus more on characters and less on plot, so both of these are perfect for me. It's well written in both structure and content, and it's really nice to see Uzume finally getting some love.

Now if only it would update. Why hasn't it been recommended yet?

 

I dunno; is it just me or whenever he transplants Shirou into the protagonist of any other series; he tends to have minimal influence? I mean looking at Hill of Swords, there are basically no differences to the storyline of the original source canon; it's got the same romance options, the same fight results etc etc.

The harem thing is pretty much the same here; despite the wildly different personalities of the two characters they still end up with the same harem. It's one of the things that bug me most about Gabriel's fics; despite the original idiot!hero being replaced by Kiritsugi Junior, there's almost no deviation socially and only minimalist deviations plot wise.

Spoiler

The newest chapter with Shirou fixated on destroying the relic thingies is probably the biggest change to the original canon that gabriel has done, and imo, too little, too late.

 

Gabriel is in fact a rather bad writer that ends up finding good plots and writes in a manner that is technically quite good but not else.

He reminds me of why Touhou got so popular art wise. Great ideas and designs, but quality is horrible.

 

And another update

Such a long hiatus and then two updates in two weeks. I guess whatever writer's block existed is gone now. =)

Spoiler

To be honest, Shirou's whole Asura mask thing annoys me. In the anime, it was more of a comedy element. But now it seems Shirou is able to use it to bring an enemy Sekirei to her knees? Maybe he just was lazy and couldn't be bothered writing a proper fight scene to end that mission.

 

Well, this chapter marks the biggest departure from the canon plot line. Though I guess it's more accurate to say that chapters 29 + 30 together are the real departures.

If Gabe keeps the story going in this same direction for the next chapter, then it'll be heading into uncharted territory. Like, no more canon rehashing.

Content comments:

Spoiler

The Asura thing was a horrible ass pull and Gabe should feel horrible for using it. That was some seriously weak shit. A fight between those two would have been horribly one sided anyway, so where was the harm in writing it out? Nope, it's all 'look at my mask!' and crap.

Also, was the surprise hypnotism an honest - and fortunate - bungle, a contrived deus ex machina, or a sign that the wingings are affecting his magecraft? I'm honestly curious if this was a hidden plot point or just another ass pull.

 

My theory on the hypnotism is that staring at the Jinki is affecting him. As if they act as magic-enhancers. The winging could be it too, but we haven't seen a gradual increase in his magecraft abilities, so I don't think that's it.

 

Actually I think it is the winging. Because apperantly winging is supposed to boost both the sekirei's and the ashikabi's abilities/powers or at least that is what i have gotten from my research of sekirei.

 

I'm not sure about that. After all, I seem to recall him successfully defeating two different magi on a tier completely beyond his own.

It is explained as under-estimation in both cases, along with a lucky break against the nameless Fraga, but even with those facts included could Shirou really have pulled those fights off at the level of power he possessed at the end of UBW? Especially without Rin pooling him Prana?

Honestly, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm over-analyzing it...

I know virtually nothing about Sekirei, so I will not make stipulations in regards to the process of winging.

 

I think Gabe has pretty much stated on his FF forum that the hypnotism is the winging starting to make Shirou more powerful.

 

Huh... Well, that's interesting. And I don't envy you the task of diving through the dross of that sub-forum to find Gabe's post.

 

Updated

By the way, for those looking for Miya/Shirou story from GB in the omakes,

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?lk2xcyp6k4nzdly (link from Anduriel in the BL forum)

 

More. Fucking. Infodumps.

Goddammit, this guy loves the Type-Moon universe too much to write a story in it, and instead wants to work on an encyclopedia. It's just dragging at this point

 

I don't mind as much as most, considering I read the Type-Moon wiki recreationally. This guy's explanations and extrapolations on canon aren't bad.

Additionally, given how much he writes, he can't help but improve. I enjoy it every time I notice his progress.

 

That download link isn't working for me.