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Dead Link Dark Renaissance by LamentitEternum - M - One Shot

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Le, Dec 29, 2006.

  1. Le

    Le Fourth Year

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2006
    Messages:
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    Title: Dark Renaissance
    Author: LamentitEternum
    Rating: M
    Genre: Suspense/Mystery
    Pairing: None
    Status: Complete
    Summary: Film Noir style. One Shot. They are the prey, and they must be Hunted.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3313896/1/


    Checked by Minion, Nov. 26, 2012
    The story has been deleted on / by ff.net. If you know where to find another copy of the story, please inform the library staff.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2013
  2. huntedorange

    huntedorange Seventh Year

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    not too shabby but i dunno, found it quite hard to read i supopose and ended up skipping a good few bits cause i got bored. 3/5
     
  3. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

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    Sorry, but there is to little description to even get me interested. maybe a little bit more of what is going to happen, who is being hunted, or whatever to get me interested, and Ill read it. But I don't read stories that don't even get me curious of what is going to happen through the sumamry.
     
  4. Le

    Le Fourth Year

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    I apologize for the poor summary. I'm not too good at writing them. I shall give you a more indepth one:

    In the near future, after the defeat of Voldemort, the muggle world has finally discovered the wizarding world, and with that discovery comes hate. So, the governments of the world created the Hunters, for they are the prey, and they must be Hunted.

    Again, my apologies.
     
  5. Not bad.. I had a good time reading it.
     
  6. yojorocks

    yojorocks Seventh Year

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    Very nicely done; I loved the style you used in writing, but some will find it confusing or disorienting. Good original work; personally, I would prefer to see it expanded, but the piece was complete enough to act as a standalone oneshot. 3.5/5
     
  7. Wisdom's Mountain

    Wisdom's Mountain Sixth Year

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    I didn't find this story to that confusing, just slightly disoriented in the beginning. But, that creates a tone for the whole story, so good work. By the way, have you read a thread called Wizard vs. Muggle in the Canon Discussion subforum? This story is practically a response to it.
     
  8. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

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    In that thing you call a closet. Better watch out,
    I started, and I had to skip a lot. Nothing kept me interested. At all. 1/5, 2.5/5 maximum.
     
  9. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

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    There's a few grammar kinks here and there, and some places that need words added:
    Just random stuff like that pops up here and there.

    I don't think the author has a beta, but if s/he got a hold of one this would be pretty good.

    A few of the parts I liked:

    All in all deserving of the library.

    Downsides

    Spelling mistakes here and there.

    Grammar mistakes every now and then, but by and large not all that noticeable.

    Lacks a lot of detail when it comes to the gore. He kills a lot of people, but it's all over with a fairly little amount of detail added to the actual deaths.

    Author seems more focused on making Harry's image out than the actual character and his actions, which is fine I suppose for a first chapter, but doesn't work in a one-shot.

    Upsides

    Harry kills a lot. :p

    Harry stabs Ginny in the stomach, silences her, and lets her bleed out.

    Criminal Harry is full of win, and is interestingly mixed with Betrayed!Harry. Not sure if it was a good mixture, but it didn't bug me all that much.

    Atmosphere is superbly done, and fits well with the opening claim of the Film Noir style.

    Gun wielding. Not everyones favorite by any stretch, but I've always liked it and there's plenty of it here.

    All in all, I'd give it a high three, maybe a low four.
     
  10. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    Nice work. 4/5.
     
  11. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    originality comes first for me. so 4/5. good work.
     
  12. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    4/5 from me, too.

    The downside was that it was painfully predictable, from the very moment that the character was introduced as Hunter P. And from the get-go, it seemed like the author just wanted to write a scene where Harry kills the Order, and didn't have a way of inserting it into a long fic, since he'd have to go through the trouble of explaining why.

    Still, it was entertaining enough for a 4/5.
     
  13. Le

    Le Fourth Year

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    Thank you all for the critique.

    I wrote this without a beta, so I'm sorry about the grammar mistakes.

    Wisdom's Mountain - the disorientation in the beginning is supposed to be sort of film-like, where the character narates as the viewer sees the character acting, if that makes any sense

    Xiph0 - The deaths were supposed to be quick, emotionless, and silent, with the exception of Ginny: for she is an evil that cannot be killed slowly enough. I really was focusing on Harry's image, but, as for making it the first chapter of a story, I'm not good at writing much longer than One-Shots. This was actually my longest One-Shot yet.

    Yarrgh! - I wrote this so that I could include the scene at the beginning, where Harry shoots a groveling wizard, into a fic. Originally, I actually had the line "My name is Harry James Potter" at the beginning, but I thought that it would be a better conclusion. What exactly did you find predictable about it?

    Again, thank you everyone for the critique.
     
  14. Master Slytherin

    Master Slytherin Headmaster

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    *sighs*

    What's the reccommended DLP category?
     
  15. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Bleh, from the second I saw 'glinting eyes' or whatever in the beginning, with the Wizard being terrified of him, I could tell it would be HP. Plus, there was the Hunter P bit, so it wasn't hidden much :p

    I mean...you're writing a HP story, so it's a little pointless to try and make it uncertain as to who Harry is, the reader's automatically gonna guess that the person is Harry.
     
  16. Le

    Le Fourth Year

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    Okay. I wasn't trying to hide it, I just generally prefer not to use the character's names if at all possible, except at key plot points.

    Thanks for responding though.
     
  17. Master Slytherin

    Master Slytherin Headmaster

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    Did you not see that, or are you deliberately trying to annoy me? :wall:
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
     
  18. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

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    I'd say Alternates or Dark Arts. Probably more Alternates
     
  19. razz

    razz Seventh Year

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    Melbourne
    I really, really liked this.

    I actually prefer the shorter summery – sometimes less description leaves more room to intrigue, imo. And the ‘Film Noir style’ is so original. I’ve never read anything like that before.

    Great work!

    5/5
     
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