Title: Eta
Author: avablizzard597
Rating: M
Genre: Adventure
DLP Category: Alternate Universe
Status: In progress abandoned
Chapters: 6 - Words: 18,782
Updated: February 14, 2011
Published: February 5, 11
Summary: The shadow world of the shinobi is an imperfect place. Murder is meaningless, strife is commonplace and compassion is rare. However even in the darkest of places light and hope exists.
When the shinobi way of life -good and bad, is threatened it will take the most complete of sacrifices to save it.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6717523/1/Eta

I am going to start this off by admitting that I am the author.
Yes, yes; this is a dreaded self-plug.
I'm also a first time writer. (Not really selling myself am I?)
On the plus side, I am fairly confident my story isn't complete shite but I would still love to know what you guy's think. I did have some earlier drafts in work by author.

p.s. If you can't be arsed to write a review, please at least give a vote (or hopefully a thumbs up).


Checked: June 10, 2012

 

I'm reading it right now, and thus far it seems rather decent. However this probably belongs in the WBA thread. in fact you may want to remedy this as soon as possible unless you want to piss off the mods.

 

I have read part of this story before, but I notice it says it has been up for only two days.

Either you deleted the old version and restarted or this is someone else's work.

I think it is the former since it would be pretty stupid to ask a community that is likely to have a member who recognizes the story and is very against plagiarism. But I will be trying to find another version of this story.

For now I will say that your biggest problem is grammar. I would seek out someone either here or elsewhere who is good at spotting and correcting those issues.

 

A nice start, I suppose. There's no real plot yet, but the writing is solid and Naruto's character is interesting. Also, while the dialogue is good, there isn't enough of it -- though that might be merely my personal taste.

 

It's not plagiarized, it is up in Misc. WBA. That's must be where you saw it before, Necrule.

A good story so far, but I don't really know where you are trying to take this. I'll wait for some more to show up before giving it a rating.

 

Looks interesting so far, I figure the real test will be how avablizzard597 or Hw597 describes the combat scenes, given the unique physical limitations of Naurto. The first one wasn't really long or detailed enough to give me much of an impression. A thinking clever Naurto is always nice, superior to crippled Naruto that does all the same things as normal Naruto anyways, despite being crippled imo at least. (I mean what's the point?)

 

Thanks for all the comments. I didn't realise how important they are to an authors motivation until I started to write this. Now I feel bad about all those stories I have read and not left even the breifest of reviews.

I admit grammar is really tough for me. English is my first language as well- I must just be a little thick. If anyone out there is interested in a more thorough beta role please contact me.

 

I came into this, expecting a rewrite of Naruto's Compensation, and was rather pleasantly surprised to find something quite different. First up, the writing quality is good. The descriptions are solid and the pacing is well handled. I wasn't distracted by any typos or grammatical nastiness.

Second, with the Characters:

Spoiler

I rarely go for sensei!Orochimaru stories, but this is one of the most compelling I've come across. Your treatment of the snake Sanin is interesting and possibly the most unique I've seen. However, just because Naruto is in a wheelchair, doesn't mean that A) he can't throw Kunai, B) can't do Taijutsu, and C) can't augment his Wheelchair be at least as useful as legs in a fight. One of my friends has a similar condition as your Naruto, and he is a freaking rediculously powerful martial artist. He simply uses his body as a battering ram for the offensive, and defensively he relies on throws and deflections. He can literally roll with your attacks by simply unlocking his breaks. Grappling is his weakest technique, but actually trapping him is nearly impossible; wheelchairs are nimble, if you know how to use them. A wheelchair is a weapon, not an obstacle. Also, getting your instep run over hurts!

I assume you're going to have Naruto eventually be able to control his wheelchair with Chakra, which could put him on even footing with most of the genin you've described. Stairs would be his biggest challenge, till he makes a Walker like Pains.

I'm not really sold on the 100% on the written, but I'm not going to rage about it either. I do see you've fallen into the traditional cliches of seal use, and I'm worried that this is going to end up being "sealing is the best" Super!Naruto wank. Of course, since you appear to have increased the power levels all around, I still have hope this will turn about better than the Manga.

Third, I haven't seen enough of the plot to say anything about it yet, but I do hope this is going to be something more than a rewrite.

Finally, the Rating: 4/5, with a potential to drop drastically or jump slightly depending on how you handle the next couple of chapters.

 

1. Go put it in Misc Work to get better reviews.
2. That summary is stupid and tells me nothing about what I'm about to read.
3. 1st chapter didn't draw me in. Exposition exposition exposition is all you did to finish it off. Show, not tell is the best method.
4. Narrative changes from one chapter to another. Is it 1st or 3rd person?
5. Not really drawn in by time of reading chapter 3, characters aren't that interesting.
6. The limitation for Naruto is interesting, though.
7. Dialogue's all right, could use a beta to smooth things over.

2.5/5 -> 3/5

 

Thank you for the comments. I've hit a couple speed bumps with this fic that are slowing me down, but nothing lights a fire underme like reading even 1 comment. so thanks small and hashasheen.
@ Hashasheen
1. I actually already placed the story in misc work. I didn't get an overwhelming response so I just tried to power through and fix most the things I could spot.
2. I'll have to re-think the summary. I kept it vague because I was planning on the single fic to span the entire story rather than breaking it up into book 1, 2, etc. So it really describes things you have yet to see. Unfortunately that might have to change for more reasons than one.
3. A fair comment. I have picked up on it myself I find myself wanting to explain a situation rather than crafting a scene to show it. I think it because I am a scientinst at heart explanation comes more naturally to me than anything else. I'll try and watch for it.
4. Yeah the narrative changes may have been a bad idea. I actually wanted to have any scene by naruto to be done in first person past tense and any scene narrated someone else to be third person omnipresent. That may not be a good idea and I am probably messing up alot outside of my self-imposed rules.
5. I'll try and work some characterisation in there, but honestly that is the single most difficult thing to pin down. Make people give a shit about your characters. Sounds simple but is actually kinda tough.
6 and 7 thanks and thanks.

@ asmallbundle first sorry for not being arsed to write out your full name but come on...
My naruto is going to try and stay at range during fights. In the world I imagine it just wouldn't be feasible for him to face down another ninja in hand to hand. He is going to be a pretty ruthless opponent though simply because he has to be.

Sorry but sealing is going to be part of his repetoire. But don't worry its only going to be part of it. I would explain more but I will leave you to see how I plan to do it. There is a fight scene coming up.

 

Well, I'd suggest to keep trying and posting there. There's a small group of readers who do frequent there offering solid advice, plus a few Naruto writers, including myself.

Yeah, then you really want to change it.

Good man.

There's a few sticke threads in the fanfiction discussion sub-forum discussing how to work on your dialogue writing.

Give them consistent traits, attitudes and feelings for starters. Add to that interactions between the characters and what they mean, and then explore how those relationships can develop before choosing to write.