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Complete Happily Ever After by Jeconais - Teens - Gabrielle

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by bornagainpenguin, May 25, 2008.

  1. Nukular Winter

    Nukular Winter The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    This is classic Jeconais, but I'm having trouble getting into this one.

    Some of the sentences are just... awkward. For instance:
    Is *way* too much exposition, especially considering that every single point Hermione brings up has already been established in the story.

    The rule is supposed to be "Show, don't Tell." but in this case it's apparently "Show, then Tell." It's getting a bit tedious.

    The conclusion to the new chapter left me a little bit flat, too.
    Besides the obvious (WTF? Harry's girlfriend is apparently crazy... err, awesome?) he loses points for gratuitous use of the word "literally" and for no contractions. (Who talks that way?)

    No rating yet, because I'm holding out hope (heh) that Jeconais is finished with the characterization/exposition chapters and he's got some kind of kickass plot coming up.
     
  2. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran No. 4 Admin

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    ...Is this a joke?

    Someone tell me Jeconais is trolling with this story? Admittedly, he isn't my favorite author - he never has been - but I don't remember any of his stories being as bad as this.

    I'm sorry, but Merrill put it best when he said,
    I can't argue with that, though I don't know if Fleur is involved in the relationship. What parts I read, she seemed pissed at her sister all the time.

    Anyway, damn. I know he's into the fluffy crap, but shit. This hurt to read and I read his story 'Hope'. The mini-James thing is pathetic, as well as that whole scene with the 'echoes' where they acted more like full on spirits than what they really are. He pranks the school when he wakes up... which doesn't make much sense even if his dad told him to have fun and isn't even remotely funny, yet everyone laughs like it's the most hilarious shit ever.

    He... you know what? I can't be bothered listing the other bullshit.

    I did find the scene where she showed him her naked 11 year-old self kinda wtf-lulz, but yeah... no.

    [​IMG]
     
  3. BioPlague

    BioPlague The Senate DLP Supporter

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    This is like every other Jeconais story.

    Is this fluffy enough? If it isn't add more sugar, mention the girl pining away in her room. Mention Harry pining away in his room.

    Jeconais is great with the English language but he's a fucking terrible story-teller.

    I mean - just read ip82's last story and in a one-shot, he's produced something more enjoyable and more entertaining than all of Jeconais' stories put together.

    Fuck Jeconais. He's not even remotely close to what DLP espouses in good fanfiction.

    And it's no coincidence this asshat hangs with Kinsfire and Wildebeast face.

    Examples of how this asshole story sucks massive amounts of dick:

    Excuse me. What? Fuck this. This is retarded. A tinkling sound? When I make a tinkling sound, it involves blood red urine in the eyes of pieces of shit I hate.

    Gay. Boys don't blush unless their favorite activity involves shoving 10 inch dicks into their ass twice a day while singing YMCA.

    Yay. A lack of confidence towards a boy. That's not how girls act. Especially if they're ready to fuck one moment and then act bashful the next. Jeconais is another one of these retards who has never had a relationship.

    If this wasn't rated teen, I'd be waiting for them to fuck furiously and come together at the exact same millisecond.

    Yay. Not only is this story only getting high-ratings because the characters involved are HP and Gabrielle Delacour but there's not even amusing smut involved like in MrRiddler's.

    I wrote something this gay once. It involved a blue Hermione and Star Wars. But that was my first story.

    This is Jeconais' millionth story. And if it's one thing that Jeconais and faggots like Kinsfire and Ishtard have in common, it's this idea that Harry needs counseling - or needs to cry and tell this long, retarded fucking story about his life.

    Oh, and then he falls asleep on her and wakes up to that lovely smell. And she looks just perfect in the morning and smells like fucking lilacs.

    If this gets in the library, DLP has fucking failed.

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2008
  4. NightFox

    NightFox Seventh Year

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    Not even close to one of his best works, and the amount of fluff is truly overbearing. The premise of the story is forced, at best, and the development of plot is cliche'd. I fully grasp that he's going for the perfect "Happily Ever After" as a dominant theme to development - that is, events will happen without needed explanation and in the end, everything will unfold perfectly.

    The story lacks depth, for once Harry emerges from his siesta he immediately partakes in puerile pranks and activities that are better suited for an eleven year old child. Jeconais again repeats his base themes of having his protagonist as a character who is only strengthened by the impact of a female, in this case, Gabrielle. I like French Veela's as much as the next guy but in this context, it's basically an emotionally pitiful Harry playing games and gallivanting with the woman of his dreams, establishing a connection with her in a short period of time that is sadly reasoned by her words to him during his unconscious period of sleep. And of course, her paramount beauty charms his heart in more ways than he thought possible, and is on the cusp of proposing to his fair maiden within a day.

    It's a fairy-tale story. Unfortunately, as with all Fairy tales and happy endings, they leave the reader wanting for something more sophisticated with more depth.

    In a real world, Happy endings like this simply do not exist.
     
  5. World

    World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    It's not only a happy ending. It's a happy start, middle, ending and everything inbetween.
     
  6. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Gabrielle is DLP's poster child for the mentally diseased.
     
  7. yhelo

    yhelo Sixth Year

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    I gotta admit, reading these reviews are way more entertaining than reading the story itself. Good job guys.
     
  8. BrewBreaker

    BrewBreaker First Year

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    Jeconais is one my favorite fanfiction authors and I've enjoyed pretty much every story he's put out, but I think this story is terrible. The characterization is terrible, the plot (if there even is one) is terrible, and there are just so many other pitfalls. I couldn't even get through the last chapter because it was just more of the same and I couldn't take it, and that was the first time I was not able to get through a chapter of a Jeconais story. If something doesn't happen in the next couple of chapters I think I'm going to be pretty much done with this story.
     
  9. knothead

    knothead Groundskeeper

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    I've not given the story a rating yet, and here's why. Normally, a good story has something that hooks you into it-- makes you interested. Jeconais tends to do a very good job of doing such things.

    However, there's no hook yet. There's nothing there at the moment that makes me really interested. So far the only hook I've noticed is that it's a story by Jeconais that he intends to finish.

    I hope there will be a hook soon.
     
  10. MysterioX

    MysterioX Professor

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    I have read every thing Jeconais has under H/Padma H/Pansy H/Cho & H/Other, it was all good to pass the time.
    I liked reading This Means War, Hope and his H/Daphne section.

    But this fic is just Ridiculous.
     
  11. Verminard

    Verminard Seventh Year

    Joined:
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    I usually enjoy his stuff, but can't really get into this one at all. I'm bored with it.
     
  12. knothead

    knothead Groundskeeper

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    A new chapter is up, and I've read it. My take on it is that it's essentially a Mary Gabby Sue story.

    I can't help but think that Gabrielle is the lead character-- not Harry. It deserves 2 stars, but I'll give it 3 stars because it is written well.
     
  13. Marsupial

    Marsupial Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    It's not the Mary-sue aspect of the new chapter that bothers me so much as the blatant and pointless OOCness. I understand a lot of it is needed for the plot, and I can forgive that, but the gratuitous tweaks of canon characters are just irritating.

    He's going for cheap laughs - throw away one-liners - and it's killing the characters. The worst one was the McGonagall scene regardeing Lily Potter, the Marauders and Gabrielle's frightening 'prankster potential.' I found it amusing for half a beat before I realized just how... wrong, I suppose, it is to have McGonagall - the canonical strict, stoic professor - blurt out "We are so screwed" (italics not mine) in the middle of the welcoming feast. Sorry; not happening.
     
  14. thapagan

    thapagan High Inquisitor

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    I found that I could not read this chapter, stopped in the middle.
    Not funny enough for comedy, not really a romance story, What is going on?

    Eight deadly words. I just do not care about these people.
     
  15. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

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    God damn it, Gabrielle is pissing me off.
     
  16. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Washington, D.C.
    NOTE: I'll be quoting heavily from this story, so if you actually want to read it, ignore my post. Personally, I think I'm doing you a favor by spoiling it.

    =========

    No. No. There are so many things fundamentally wrong with this chapter - this story - that I can't see straight. The fact that Jeconais is the fluff writer (it's still up for debate as to whether or not he is actually a she) no longer has any bearing; this story is a complete and utter shit.
    That's where he should've ended the story: (1) The only other person who believed in such an absolutely skewed world view was Bellatrix Lestrange - and even Voldemort didn't want that pussy; (2) when Ron Weasley is the one being logical, your story's done, full stop. Do not pass Go.

    I read this and I thought, "Haha, okay; here's where it turns into a parody." Then I realized he actually wants to run with this shit idea. "Gabrielle's crazy ? Aight, fine with me; after all, she has nice boobs."

    (Yet another clue that Jeconais is, in fact, a woman: guys aren't that obsessed with boobs. In fact, I don't know any guy who says "boobs" in reference to breasts/tits/jugs/the rack at all. So yeah, Jeconais = socially-inept 40something woman with a child via artificial insemination, but onto the story)

    Nigga whaaat?
    She just stated, point blank, that's she's completely out of her mind. She knows she could easily have gone dark, she knows said dark rituals - which specifically state that it would make those around you want to do whatever she desired. And all Harry can come up with is "Durr, okie, we stop talking 'bout it nao kthnx" ?

    And again, Jeconais is serious about this; it's shown no signs of being a parody.

    Again, No. Aren't the Aurors the elite? Impossibly hard to join the corps and all that?

    There's some more typical Jeco bullshit: Potter vaults and tender looks, mentioning of boobs, haggling over displays of affection (tree kisses! No eleventy billion kisses! Okai!), yadda yadda. There's even more mentioning of Gabrielle teh Manipulator (some shit about modeling without revealing too much), and exclusive interviews with the Quibbler, post-Voldemort parties, and of course Harry's epic quest to change the wizarding world. I'm still looking for signs of a parody:

    None.

    That was gayfail. But wait! There's more:
    That's like that shit in the movies, where some guy spots a hot chick buying ice cream - only to have the scene changes to her rubbing said ice cream all over her secsy bod-day - only to blink and realize that she's sneering at you like "WTF pervert, stop wanking". Indeed, the scene would've been 10x better if Gabrielle had said "WTF perve, stop wanking".

    But Jeconais is fucking serious with this shit. No joke: this fic is serious business, and not in the internet meme sense. I know I'm repeating myself, but the failure of this story is mind-boggling. And there's more:
    Too late ma'am; you're already completely out of your tree. (Yet another clue that Jeconais is a woman. A lonely woman. But again, that has nothing to do with the story.)
    Two peeves. One, the twinkling. Jeconais credits himself with coining the term "Moldy Shorts", or whatever variant of Voldemort he came up with - yet has no problem using arguably the worst cliche descriptor out there. It's seriously tied for failure with "lopsided grin".

    Secondly: where is it said that Mrs. Weasley is a good cook? Just because starved/abused Harry and her poor-ass children love her food (and food in general, really) doesn't mean she can out-cook a being who's purpose in life is to serve.

    Nothing would've happened. They'd prank less, because James would be buttsecksing Lily. In fact, that's probably how he lost the Marauder's Map in the first place; one can't be staring at a piece of parchment, looking out for wandering teachers or pranking opportunities, when you're busy jackhammering the Head Girl.
    Anubis said it: McGonagall is an old witch, not a young muggle. She doesn't talk like that. And even if she did, she's not about to slip like that in the Great Hall. Failure and aids abound.
    Because you dumb niggas should be learning; what the fuck do you need joke products for when you have a wand?

    The whole scene with Fudge and Draco was horrible. The fact that Harry could get an older, connected Draco wound up enough to cast a killing curse in front of the Minister of Magic is laughable (yet, this isn't a parody). If anything, Draco should've goaded Harry or psycho Gabrielle into attacking first:

    Harry: Hey, remember when Hermione punched you and you cried like a six year old?
    Draco: Hey, remember when your Mudblood mother cried like a six year old before she died?
    Harry: Yeah well, remember that hippogriff- ?
    Draco: I heard Professor Snape had a - taste of her before she died. Wondering who your real father is, Scarhead?
    Harry: Hey, ferret boy, you-!
    Draco: That's ferret man to you, Potter. Your little girlfriend recognized as much - she came on to me while you were in dreamland. Of course, I couldn't be bothered with a mix-breed, though I can't deny her obvious talents -
    Gabrielle: Flamethrower Attack!
    Harry: Don't insult my girly-friend! Avada Kedvaragahgah!

    - scene ends, Harry's in jail, Gabrielle's 'put down'-

    This isn't even worthy of the recycling bin, it's that bad. Other authors who haven't proven their chops can be excused, but not Jeconais, with numerous stories under his belt and his army of betas. In closing:

    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2008
  17. Nukular Winter

    Nukular Winter The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    That's not true. If you were doing the Head Girl doggystyle you could rest the map across her back and keep watch. (You'd just have to make sure you didn't get the pages stuck together).
     
  18. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Lol, "mischief managed" indeed. Still, that's tantamount to watching tv, reading a book, playing PSP etc - while having sex. I don't know anyone who multi-tasks quite like that.
     
  19. oephyx

    oephyx Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    That's the only point I don't quite agree with. She probably won't ou-cook a house-elf, but canon does state she is a good cook.

    Apart from that, your review was more entertaining than what I managed to read of the chapter.
     
  20. BrewBreaker

    BrewBreaker First Year

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2008
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    20
    Gabrielle is insane, why can't Harry see this?

    This story is simply not very good. It's not all that different from a lot of what Jeconais does, but it seems like trash compared to his better stuff. There isn't really a plot, and Harry just seems ignorant of the fact that Gabrielle has been just as manipulative as Dumbledore, which he warned Dumbledore of not doing. If this story doesn't get better fast I don't think this is going to be worthy of any recognition, but I think there's still some hope left for it to get better. The only thing that sets this story apart from regular fanfic trash is that it's written by Jeconais, and that means it's trash that's written well.
     
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