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WIP Harrison and Luna: An Epic Romance by Gatonio - M

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Gatonio, Feb 7, 2010.

  1. Gatonio

    Gatonio Squib

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2010
    Messages:
    19
    Location:
    Mumbai (India), Leysin (Switzerland), London (Engl
    Title: Harrison and Luna: An Epic Romance
    Author: Gatonio
    Rating: M
    Pairing: Harry/Luna
    Category: Adventure/Romance
    Summary:
    [Extract from Prologue]
    “Once upon a time there was a love that could not be…
    A love that could not exist with duty…
    A love that could not survive…
    A love that saved a Kingdom…
    A love that can never be forgotten…
    A love that was forbidden…
    In a time long distant, when muggles and magic lived away and separate. As muggles progressed, magic digressed. Fear gripped the wizards and witches and so they ran.
    A world different yet the same, evenly alien yet oddly familiar; magic and magic-wielders thrived.
    It is in this world of terror and medieval bravado, that a story of love and duty, so rich in emotion and devoid of fortune emerged, the story of Baron Harrison Jameson Potter and Princess Luna Cassandra Malfoy.

    If you, my dear readers, have ever loved, deeply and truly, and seen that love fragmented and divided for duty, you will feel the sorrow of Harrison and Luna.

    The link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562315/1/Harrison_and_Luna_An_Epic_Romance

    Give it a chance...
    Its only a prologue for now, but I lack motivation to continue it with no one giving it a chance. Perhaps if I posted more chapters I might get more readers, but... Just tell me what you think...

    Thanks guys,
    Gatonio.

    Caution - It is completely, absolutely and utterly AU, leave all preconceived notions regarding what Harry and Luna are like in canon, this has minimal, if not nothing, to do with canon except character names, relationships (some) and the names of spells. But in the 'grand scheme of things' (i.e. my story outline and notes) it has nothing to do with canon on the whole.
     
  2. pdo91

    pdo91 Professor DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    495
    Location:
    Colorado
    Why on earth would you rec this here then? And you actually changed the names, too. For instance:
    Plus, everything takes place in the magical land of Pottera, and everyone talks like they're from a Renaissance fair (in other words, WAAAAAY overdone).

    As far as the writing goes, there isn't anything blaringly horrible, but it's uncomfortable to follow, which makes reading it infinitely more painful. Maybe it's just because you're trying to be grandiose with your writing, but it doesn't work.

    Overall, I'd give it a 1.5/5 - it isn't a DLP kind of story at all, but it's not a horrific pit of teenage angst and bad grammar (yet), which is how these stories inevitably are.

    But really, POTTERA? Seriously, dude?
     
  3. White Rabbit

    White Rabbit Hippity Hoppity DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    I'm going to stop you right there. At one chapter, nay a prologue, it's not something you put up for review. Move it to WBA if you want people to critique it. All you've done is set it up to get raped, fast and rough.

    Now onto the points I'm wondering about. Princess Luna Malfoy? You've set up a story with all OC's and a whole lot of rage over the defilement of Luna's character.

    Skimmed it and you were completely right. Absolutely nothing to do with Harry Potter series. Do not want.

    Fail/5.
     
  4. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    Skimmed over it quickly. There's nothing major wrong with the writing that leapt out at me, but equally nothing that I especially enjoyed.

    The names are, for the most part, retarded.

    You generally try too hard at creating a medieval feel to it.

    In the attack on the Lords as they unite, the messenger is killed right in front of them, yet they've apparently completely failed to notice that they're under seige.

    As has been said, this is so AU that it may as well be original fiction.

    2/5 basically, although I did get annoyed with your first post, which makes you seem like the kind of author who ransoms chapters for reviews - an instant ignore, for me.
     
  5. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    What is this I don't even
     
  6. vlad

    vlad Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    2000
    The only thing that could redeem this story is if it turned out to be Harry on acid. It wouldn't make it good, but it would make it... well, better.

    As has been said, it's nothing to do with Harry Potter other than the names, and even those are fucked up. Luna Malfoy. Narcissa Zabini. Dunno what Hermione's doing exactly. And then all these random countries named after surnames. Never mind it makes no sense to have small medieval fiefdoms with Indian and Chinese names next to English/French/Italian ones. Thus, I am going to propose a new rule:

    Nation Law I: Unless your name is Osman, you don't get to literally name your lands after yourself.

    Frankly, you tried to hard with the language, but I was so busy trying to figure out who was who and just what the hell they were doing, the ridiculous speech didn't really register. And as you say it's all moot, because you don't intend to continue, it's a prologue, and it has nothing to do with Harry Potter.
     
  7. Lorelei of the Sea

    Lorelei of the Sea Unspeakable

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    Southern California
    LOL


    /10 char
     
  8. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    West Coast
    Vlad: Osmanland? I get the impression I'm missing something painfully obvious.

    As for the story! Well, I clicked the link anSYNTAXERRORSYNTAXERRORSYNTAXERROR
     
  9. Calz

    Calz Oh, I Got the Mic Now!

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2007
    Messages:
    309
    I... What is this, I don't even...

    [​IMG]
     
  10. Tehlaziboi

    Tehlaziboi Ninja Meido

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    I personally don't like OOC canon characters unless they're done really well. And seriously... why is the name "Pottera"? Was that supposed to make him sound more... fantasy-like?
     
  11. Swimdraconian

    Swimdraconian Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Try reading this in a John Cleese voice - pretty epic. Sounds like something straight out of a Monty Python skit.
     
  12. reggin

    reggin Filthy Half-Breed DLP Supporter

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    Sesc has the right idea.
     
  13. neopyro

    neopyro Third Year

    Joined:
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    Erm... My house?
    ...Just wondering, did you try and pass your high school Spanish class by speaking in English and adding random suffixes to the end of everything?

    Harrya Pottera wasa writtena bya J.Ka Rowlinga....

    1.0 x 10^-23 / 5.

    Because zero is reserved for My Immortal.
     
  14. Innomine

    Innomine Alchemist ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Dude, just give the fuck up.

    How many stories is this in the For Review forum now?

    No fucking comment beyond that.
     
  15. MattSilver

    MattSilver The Traveller

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    This story is interesting... In that everything is totally butchered in a non-compelling way and I'm reminded why the bleach is best applied directly to the memory parts of your brain! Here's hoping I'll forget this, because it really isn't that good. At any time.

    And I was glad at least one of your six reviewers had the right idea, while the others were intrigued, for some reason:
    Can't beat that.
     
  16. Tehlaziboi

    Tehlaziboi Ninja Meido

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    LOL GrandHighPoobah just stopped himself from being a statistic. I was expecting all of them to be something along the lines of "Wonderful! Interesting story! -favs- :)"
     
  17. Rhapsody Belle

    Rhapsody Belle Sixth Year

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2009
    Messages:
    172
    If you can't give a fuck about your story, then neither can I. Seriously, you came to DLP, of all the goddamn places you could have turned on the 'Net, looking for validation. What kind of crack is in that pipe you're smoking, dude?
     
  18. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    I've honestly never encountered a story that made me die laughing - and I've read parts of "My Immortal," mind you.




    In all seriousness, though: LOL.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2010
  19. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

    Joined:
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    The South
    Yeah, first of all, if you don't care about your story then DLP probably isn't going to care.

    Second of all, if all you have is a prologue and you want feedback, you should be posting it here.

    Third, I checked out parts of it and I'm not all that impressed. There isn't enough similarity to Harry Potter to get me interested that way and it's not good enough as original fiction to make me want to read it anyway.
     
  20. Stenstyren

    Stenstyren Professor

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2009
    Messages:
    465
    You should write at least 30.000 characters before posting a story here.

    You should not post your own story if people (from DLP) didn't tell you to do so in reviews/WBA.

    Have not, will not and can not read this story.
     
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