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Harry/Fleur Community

Discussion in 'FanFic Discussion' started by Methene, Nov 22, 2007.

  1. Maelstorm212

    Maelstorm212 Squib

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    So can we get some recent recs of Harry/Fleur and actually answer the question?
     
  2. Seyllian

    Seyllian Auror DLP Supporter

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    Well, Flayer is writing a good story at the moment. It is not long enough for the Library yet, but it's quite promising

    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12733439/1/Blood-of-the-Tide.
    --- Post automerged ---
    The only Fleur smutfic he recc'd was one that was H/F/Gabriella. The link is https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-w-bt80EWqTHL8VdrANYU1QStEVBh87ahPiIqLHC41c/edit
     
  3. JusticeRings

    JusticeRings Muggle

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  4. Seyllian

    Seyllian Auror DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, your story would greatly benefit from the WBA. It's already Riddled (see what I did there?) with grammatical issues on the first page -- just screams inelegance to me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2018
  5. why?

    why? DA Member

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    JR isn't consistent with tenses.

    Fleur referring to her dad as "my pere" is incredibly jarring. If you really want to go down that road, try "Papa taught me the bubblehead charm last summer, so I could watch...".

    If you don't speak French yourself, maybe you'd be better off avoiding this altogether. If you want to make her sound like a French person who has trouble with English, then go on forums and watch YouTube vlogs of French people speaking English until you can start figuring out how they sound. The most obvious one would be sentences that appear to be translated literally. For e.g, "You think yourself clever, no?" ("Tu te prends pour un p'tit malin, non?")

    Anyway, there really is no need. Some authors handwave it with language acquisition potions. Just mention that she has an accent or something and leave it be.

    From what I remember of canon, there's very little known about veelas. A lot of the things you bring up are fanon ideas. Nothing wrong with that, but then I find myself wondering why I'm reading the story when there's not much of a hook. What exactly separates your story from the rest? The letters are just about all I can think of, and really, they are sort of sweet. But everything in between letters just falls flat.

    If you really have read "everything", and "nothing worked" for you, why don't you write out your own veela lore, instead of using tired cliches?

    And have you read What You Leave Behind? If not, you really should. Harry and Fleur exchange letters there.

    Ah, another thing that stood out was that Fleur accepted Voldemort being alive way too easily. She knows who Harry Potter and Voldemort are, so presumably, she knows the latter's been dead for a while. If you wanted to say she was more concerned than anything else, because of Harry's recklessness, then you didn't do a good enough job of showing it.

    If you want to improve your story, post in Work by Author.
     
  6. Halt

    Halt 1/3 of the Note Bros.

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    From a brief skim of chapter 1, it was...dry and boring. Which is a shame because your summary was actually decent so I had high hopes for it. Linking my Writing Advice Thread further down if you want a more in depth explanation on my criticisms.

    You Start Strong with your summary (although i disliked your title), but your opening line is weak as can be. You tell us a bunch of things (Show, don't tell) which we already know. You are also scared of your saids as well (Emphasis Fatigue is a thing). You also need to space out your story better, especially when it comes to dialogue. The whole thing is just walls of text.

    This is one of the few hard rules in writing: a new character talking should be a new paragraph.

    @why? covers a lot of problems (from more a story telling perspective) and he probably read a lot more in depth than I did. His advice is solid all around. Seconding it.

    Seen better, seen a lot worse, ultimately nothing special. 2/5 based on a brief skim of the whole thing.

    TLDR: Meh.
     
  7. JusticeRings

    JusticeRings Muggle

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    It is a first draft. Cheers.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2018
  8. TheWiseTomato

    TheWiseTomato Tactical Tomato DLP Supporter

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    Revise, edit, revise, edit, repeat. Keep at it.