I'm only a couple chapters in but I like it so far. Chapters are a decent legnth and the writing style isn't bad.

 

Wow, I thought this was already in.

I must say, I love this story, everything about it just works so well.

The only possibe flaw I can point out is that I wish there was more.

5/5

 

I love this story. The only issue is that there isn't really enough for me to really judge. It's just getting into the real plot of the story I think. Also, the emotions felt a bit over the top at certain points, but it's not a big deal. 4.5/5 for right now.

 

Read through it. Enjoyed it. Chapters were a bit short but, meh. Excited to find out the identity of Tobi's 'pet'.

 

I love the story. The only issue for me is that I think the Akatsuki fight ran a little too long, but oh well.

5/5

 

Akatsuki fight went perfectly.

You had a chapter of Hidan vs. Naruto/Sai/Neji then a chapter of Kakuzu vs. Kakashi/Gai. The next chapter has the ending of Kakuzu right at the start and then Naruto asserting himself as the next Hokage in Neji's eyes.

I think the "pet" is going to be either Ino or Chouji.

I'm more looking forward to how Naruto and Yugito's conversation is going to play out and eventually when they reach Kumo, if they even do now that one of there party dies.

Plus how close he's going to follow canon with Jaraiya and his finding out about Pain and Konan.

Also what he's going to do with Naruto when they get back to Konoha. The way it seems is that this mission takes place of the two team search for Sasuke mission that ends with them just missing Sasuke after he beats Itachi. So will he get back to the message that Jaraiya is dead or is something else going to happen.

One of my favorite Naruto fics along with House of the Holy by Howdy.

5/5

 

Nice change from the NaruIno series. Love the pairing but love he action even better-yeah it is up their with Houses of the Holy but I find this one more realistic.

 

I literally winced when reading this sentence... Jaraiya I can deal with. I see it often enough that it has lost its effect on me, but Conan... Conan, what is best in life?!

Jiraiya. Konan. Pein. Learn to spell.

 

Messed up with the first two yeah, but it's Pain. When he was first given a name or something, there were wierd translations with it directly translating as Pein. But it's since been corrected in corresponding chapters.

 

At least I can be at ease knowing that I contributed something to the genre.


If you want to know my feelings on this story, then here they are, copied from A Demon's Desire forum:

Does it drive anyone else nuts when the author screws up simple descriptions of canon characters, like calling Hidan "the taller of the two" and Kakuzu "stocky?" I get it that I'm an uncommon stickler for canon compliance, but that stuff is hard to overlook, seriously.

I really disliked that Yugito got a dressing down by fucking Sakura of all people telling her not to lose her cool. Maybe it's just me, but I really don't think it's her place to tell a battle-tested jinchuuriki like Yugito how to handle a fight. Why the hell is she running away again? Shouldn't she be helping? The author had to severly dumb her down to make this course of action make any sense at all, and it fails in my mind.

Is Yugito just going to sit on her ass and let Naruto and co. protect her from the bad guys for the rest of the story?

Asshole!Jiraiya annoyed me. Ramen fetish annoyed me. Saying that Naruto was incapable of using simple, C-ranked jutsu annoyed me.

Did anyone else think that Jiraiya insisting that Naruto do senjutsu training when his chakra control is exaggeratedly bad makes no sense whatsoever? Yeah, me too.

I don't know if the author just doesn't understand manga concepts or is adamant about turning every canon explanation on its ear, but these little things stack up for me.


And that's just from the second to last chapter. All I can say is that many aspects of this story are not well thought out, and that should be a big deal for more people than just me.

Honestly, why is there such a double standard between Naruto fanfiction and fanfiction of other genres? You can write as much AU bullshit as you like in a Naruto story and people will love you for it, but in the HP fandom at least, that shit gets you annihilated.

It confuses me.

 

Umm, were you around during the earlier years of the HP fandom? You could make things as AU as you wanted and no one cared. It tends to take time for standards to tighten in a fandom.

 

No I wasn't, but that only emphasizes the issue I'm talking about.

Shouldn't people who are used to the exacting standards of this site apply those standards to fandoms other than HP?

Because frankly, they aren't.

It just drives me nuts when people intentionally overlook albeit small but fundamentally issues with stories in the Naruto fandom, because personally I think that it really needs the harsh criticism that other fandoms receive in order to get better.

Good writing is not enough to get a 4/5 for a Harry Potter story on this site, so I simply don't understand why it's enough to get a 5/5 for a Naruto story when rated by the same folks.

I just don't.

 

Never once in the manga is it said that Naruto has anything other than bad chakra control. The Naruto in this story is at the same point technique-wise as the Naruto who faced off against Kakuzu. He has just finished the wind-training like the manga and has the rasenshuriken. He doesn't have any other training between senjutsu and that.

Senjutsu doesn't seem to need chakra control, just an understanding and a connection to nature.

I think you're overestimating Naruto's abilities.

Though Yugito's no-show in this fight and her being verbally smackdowned by Sakura is wierd. Her previous characterization and interactions with Naruto were well written.

 

We'll just have to agree to disagree then.

There hasn't been one single mention of Naruto having poor chakra control after his training with Ebisu. The kid learned an A-ranked ninjutsu - the most complicated spatial manipulation technique in existence, at the age of 13. Pretending that the fact that he doesn't choose to use one hand to use it makes him terrible at chakra control is absurd. He proved he could use it one-handed against Sasuke at the Valley of the End. This argument is old, and holds no basis in the canon. Yes, Naruto often uses a clone to create a Rasengan, but it's always as part of a quick and effective attack, and we know that he can do it one handed if he so chooses. He even does it again in his fight against Pain (Double Rasengan).

The notion that learning Sage Mode doesn't require control is also silly. The entire point of it is that you have to learn to properly balance natural energy with your internal chakra. Balance. That takes control to an extreme, right there.

Glossing over that sort of thing is a big issue for me, because not only is it a big deal in the manga itself, but it should also be a big deal in any fanfiction story. It's one of the major issues I have with Tuebor. Why bother giving Naruto Sage Mode if you're going to dumb it down from its canon depiction? Why not just give Naruto a new ability or, I don't know, be creative?

People give Naruto authors too much leeway in their writing when in reality they're making the same cliched decisions that what are considered poor HP authors make. Just because 98% of Naruto authors write garbage doesn't mean that a story that isn't is some sort of gem.

 

I'm still confused by this. Why would Pein be any different in the way his name is given to us? The katakana clearly give his name as 'Pein', and no other character has their name changed from that. Kakashi is not 'Scarecrow'. Sakura is not 'Cherry Blossom'. Why is Pein different? Hell, according to the translator I'm using (which doesn't really mean much >_>), 'Pain' means pineapple...

So why is he special in having his name changed from what the katakana say to this? If Kishimoto wanted a genuine double meaning for his name why wouldn't he use 'Itami' or 'Kurushimi'?

 

According to Jim Breen (http://www.csse.monash.edu.au/~jwb/cgi-bin/wwwjdic.cgi?1C), Pain is:

パイン (n) (1) pine; (2) (See パイナップル) (abbr) pineapple [Ex][G][GI][A][W]

So you're not wrong about that .

The reason why we're given "Pe-i-n" is because "Pa-i-n" in Japanese does not sound like English "Pain" which is clearly the intention. There is only 1 A sound in Japanese, a soft A.

Because Pein's name is clearly intended to be the English word "Pain" (unlike Kakashi, which is in-fact intended to be Kakashi, with a meaning to the name 'Scarecrow'), it can be acceptably spelled that way. It's a matter of preference, Pein or Pain.

As for Jaraiya and Conan... well Jaraiya is just wrong. Clearly you're supposed to be saying "JEE-RAY-YA", not "JA-RAY-YA". Conan is another matter of preference, but English K is indisputably a hard sound whereas C could be soft (plus Conan for me is more of a man's name).



I don't really care for this story much. The plot feels rushed and unthought-out, though it's enjoyable enough if you're desperate, I guess. I'd give it a 3/5.

 

Pain's name is spelled, in English, as "Pain" in the databook.

And the reason why you wouldn't write Konan with a "C" is that there is no equivalent for the letter "C" in the Japanese language. The letter "ko" is always pronounced with a hard "K" sound, so it wouldn't make much sense to change it to a "C" for any reason, especially since the two versions of the name have far different derivatives.

 

You're looking at it wrong. Of course there's no "C" in Japanese. There is no "C" in any language that doesn't use the roman alphabet, just equivalents.

Conan COULD be a possible romanization of コナン -- if a Japanese author wrote a story about Conan the barbarian - there is no other way it can be written -- but it's not the accepted one here because scanlation groups decided to use 'Konan'. Do you see what I mean?

Romanization is a tricky topic. Look at how Chinese romanization has evolved over the last century, no one can really decide how they want to represent sounds with roman characters. It's especially difficult for us English speakers, with our horrible spelling system. Technically, I could romanize Jiraiya as "JEERAYYAH" but that would be retarded and longer than it needs to be (and some people would STILL pronounce the name incorrectly).