Kalas, the point of this fic is not for you to think up random ideas and post them. Its for a set of decent guidelines for fic writing to be put down. A lot of yours are utterly idiotic or pathetic. To coin a phrase "lurk moar".

 

Actually I thought that the vast majority of them made perfect sense, and several I had a hard time believing we hadn't posted earlier (We must have assumed that nobody would be dumb enough to use them)

 

- Dumbledore is not the most intelligent man to ever live. He makes many mistakes and is blinded by his need to do the "Greater good".

- Nobody gains a foot in height, Body builder muscles and the ability to do Occulmency overnight. Under any circumstances.

I disagree as they don't just sit on there ass they go upside down at high speeds and you steer the broom, if that was me I'd be clutching on for dear life and doing this several times a week will get you toned muscles especially since Harry does it for 6 years. But you won't get a body builders body.

- Hermione is not a pureblood adopted and neither is Lily. They are both mudbloods and will be for eternity.

- Harry will never use dollars in Britain. Ever. We use pounds and Gallons. Also get the exchange rate right, in one story Harry paid £7 pounds for a 99 ice cream, where was he buying it? At Harrods?

- Harry will never slit his wrist or do anything emo, nor has he shown any sign of doing.

- Harry has no distant relatives in Germany or wherever, Harry is the last Potter. Nor does he have some long lost twin or siblings.

 

Not sure whether to feel complimented or insulted over that part.

 

...Actually, it can. I guess it wouldn't make much sense to a natural Parselmouth, but with practice (and luck) one would learn to say a few words.

I mean, Ron Weasley anyone?

 

... Yes, You should.

 

I think he posted that because of what happened in canon, which makes no sense, no offense.

Even if we do not like it, HBP and DH are both canon.

 

By idiotic and pathetic I meant in contradiction of canon, example being the parseltongue thing.

 

If it's a magical effect it would take the same magical effect to reproduce it. If it's an abnormal muscle formation in the throat then someone just hissing could not get all the subtle vocalizations required for the language.

Of course the defenses on the Chamber of Secrets could of just been so pathetic that someone replicating hissing sounds he heard weeks or months prior was enough to pass through.

And this isn't about what's canon it's about what is RIGHT!

 

Last time I checked, it was JKR who invented Parseltongue. Not you. You'll forgive me if I choose her work as a reference for my stories, instead of yours.

Although some seem to be forgetting it lately, she is the bloody author of Harry Potter. She knows the theory of Parseltongue better than any fanfiction writer. If she decided that Parseltongue was, like any language, a series of sounds making sense to Parselmouths -- always the same sounds, always the same meaning -- then yes, it is possible to mimick a word. Like I said, it would take a lot of tries and a lot of luck, but if you can get the same sound to come out of your throat, then yes, a Parselmouth might understand it. Even if you still wouldn't have a clue what you're saying.

What may bother you is, I reckon, the resulting popularisation of Parseltongue. It's so much cooler to think only Parselmouths can speak it at all, or understand it. When you think about it, however, the language isn't really popularised. Do we think the human language is popularised because a parrot can mimick the "subtle vocalisations" of it? We all know the parrot doesn't have a clue what it's blabbering about.

Ron is a parrot. He might get the sound right again, out of sheer luck, but he will never make head or tail from it.

As for your theory, I'd say Parselmouth is due to a "magical effect" -- since Harry gets the ability only because of Voldemort's bit of soul. This magical effect enables the Parselmouth to make words out of a bunch of hissing sounds, instinctively. It'll also enable him to effortlessly talk to snakes. Nevertheless, Parseltongue remains a series of hissing and spitting sounds making sense to the trained ear, like a very very difficult language. Dumbledore understands Parseltongue to an extent (see HBP, the Gaunt house memory); but very few wizards ever had the brilliance, power and dedication that were Dumbledore's. Remain in peace, Parseltongue is safe from the ignorant masses.

 

As a matter of fact, it wasn't said anywhere Dumbledore understood what the Gaunts were saying when they were conversing in Parseltongue. Seeing their gestures was enough anyway to get the wind of what was going on. Say, it was very hard to miss the Gaunts' "fantastic amount of arrogance and pride," as Dumbledore had put it, once they began brandishing their prizy possessions in front of the guy's face, as well as miss their "very nasty temper", with all the knife-pointing going on and "indiscriminate cursing" they've been performing on the said person.

But I guess you can go as you like; make it so people can learn to understand Parseltongue, as well as learn how to speak it, or make it the magical thing and thus copyright protected (because it's magic, and magic bend to no rules). It doesn't matter really which way you go, if your story is good and consistent nobody'd complain much about it I think. The former way is more realistic, while the latter is an easy way out. Both could work.

Kalas likes it when the Parseltongue ability is a privilege, and jealously stands for its purity etc., etc. But as Tinn Tam pointed out, it's not a great stretch to assume somebody could mimic the sounds (even if he couldn't get all the "subtle vocalizations", which are called accents by the way, Kalas).

More even, to go with the parrot parallel, the parrot might get a clue of what he's saying, situation-wise; like when any given situation you hear the same sounds, you can learn to associate them with the appropriate meaning. And, having enough patience and time, you can even analyse and decrypt the whole language that way.

But if you go with the pure magic theory, you can even bring up the Fidelius charm and say the Parseltongue is similar to the Fidelius in the way that it's physically impossible the utter the magical words when you're not a secret keeper or, in the other case, a Parselmouth.

Furthermore (**cackling**), you can counter that shit saying that you could apply a translation charm, so the magical copyright'd be null and void. This argument could drag on and on forever.

 

Agreed, let us take it to PM or never speak of it again.

 

I vote for the second option.

...As for Dumbledore understanding Parseltongue, it has been confirmed by JKR after the release of DH. Okay, shutting up now!

 

If Harry must for some reason at some point have children he shall not name a daughter Harriet nor a son Sirus, and this one is for you J.K. Neither shalt he name any resulting progeny whether proper or illegitimate any combination of Severus, Albus, Sirius... well you get the point.

Possible Rule #1: Harry Potter shall in all cases be, in fact and practice, the main character of a Harry Potter fanfic.
--Harry Potter's place shall not be usurped by his long lost sibling who is in fact the girl-, boy-, hermaphrodite who lived, and not Harry.

 

Okay I just want to get this in before the 1 month necro deadline drops on this thread.

Unless it is specifically stated in 1 of the 7 books, IT IS NOT CANNON! This includes anything written/said by the author outside the novels. Particular attention to the (re)orientations of the Characters.

Apologies if this is already in the thread, didn't see it.

 

Well if theres room it might be good to add
Decree 100021;
- Dumbledore is a powerful wizard who has been alive for more then a century, and has studied and been in the presence of the greatest minds in history. Therefor if he was manipulative it wouldn't be so blaintiint or obvious because that defeats the purpose. For example "Harry you must stay in the house because it is my will as your legal guardian!!" maybe it should sound more convincing from someone who has been manipulating people for over a hundred years! This also applies to him acting stupidly in stories and falling in to Harry's brilliant traps, Harry of course being between 11-18 somehow outwitting a centurion. Dumbledore can be caught off guard and be unprepared but only once or twice not be played like a harp by Harry.
PS- I realize this is rather crude so please feel free to comment and/or add things

 

My contribution

## - Harry will never receive a credit card/phoney driver's licence from Gringotts. Wizards have barely discovered radio - it can be assumed they're fairly far behind in the field of banking.

## - Hermione Granger is an average girl with bushy hair and (mercifully shrunk) buck teeth. She will not, and never will be, a supermodel with a DD chest.

Addendum: She is, however, capable of being attractive.

## - Yule Balls will never be held after the Tri-Wizard tournament. If you want your ship to come together fangirl # 75596, write something that hasn't been done FIFTEEN THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES.

## - The elder Grangers' names will not be Dan and Emma. Rupert and Emma is equally unacceptable.

## - The Grangers' are not nudists, spies, sexually promiscuous or physically violent. They are average suburban dentists, end of story. I'm looking at you, Chem Prof.

## - Harry will never have a familiar. He can, however, have pets.

## - The Hogwarts library does not contain the answer to every question ever posed by mankind, including the creation/destruction of Horcruxes, how to imbue an individual with the powers of a God, or how to drive any woman wild. It is a school library, not your one-stop shop for exposition and contrivances-to-drive-the-plot-forward.

Addendum: The same goes for Albus Dumbledore and Hermione Granger.

## - Harry, within minutes of seeing his first vagina, will not be capable of giving said vagina's owner a screaming orgasm, capable of fulfilling her every sexual need. He is a hormone-ridden teenage boy, not a Sex God.

Addendum: He is, however, capable of learning the art.

## - Ron Weasley, is a gangly, pale, freckled redhead. Any sexual activity he ever receives will be the result of insanity or mental manipulation.

Addendum: And I'm not entirely sure about mental manipulation.

## - No character shall ever have relatives/friends in the United States. Think harder, fangirl # 2541692.

 

Barely discovered radio? No it's more like they've settled in a time period they feel comfortable with (Victorian-ish) and don't feel the need to make technological advances, especially considering they have magic.

 

It seems a rite of passage to post to this thread here at some time in one's career, so I offer my own meager contribution:

CXI: Galleons are made of gold. Gold is expensive*. Harry does not have one billion galleons. He does not have 100 million galleons. If he had more than 4 million galleons, he'd be a billionaire in USD.** Receiving a thousand galleons is a Very Big Deal (tm) to most people (e.g., Weasleys in the Galleon Draw, Harry in the Tri-Wizard cup). Ron's having broken his 7-galleon wand in his second year was a big deal.

CXII: Harry Potter does not turn 16 and pick up twenty hereditary titles. If he does acquire a title of any kind, it'll be like the "Dr." honorific in university towns, where nobody of consequence bothers with it. If Harry ever demands that someone call him "Lord this-or-that", he is to be taken aside, subjected to having his wand arm torn off, and bludgeoned to death with it.

CXIII: The wizarding world is either large or small, but it is not both simultaneously. Pick one, but not both, of:

a) Everyone goes to Hogwarts, self-identifies with one of the houses, follows house cup matches, etc. But the world of wizard humans is only several thousand large. No LOTR-style pitched battles, twenty-odd professional Quidditch teams in the UK alone (with millionaire players, NFL-style stadiums), nor joke shops that can turn a pair of drop-outs into richer-than-Bill-Gates types in three years.

b) Only a tiny fraction of witches and wizards go to Hogwarts. You are welcome to fashion Hogwarts after Eton College, where social climbers go (but penniless orphans tend not to, given the 26k pound tuition). Under no circumstances can the Weasleys send all their children to Hogwarts. Recognize that the odds the Average Joe Bartender went to Hogwarts are about the same as if the guy pulling pints down at your local pub has parents who drive a Bentley. The question that should be asked is not "what house were you in Hogwarts," but rather, "were you one of the lucky elite who could go to the premier school in the realm?" Note that if you were, you're basically set up for life, since Hogwarts alumni run the wizarding world. Few cops went up at Eton, so assume that most aurors don't hail from Hogwarts. Harry's dreams of growing up to be an auror are actually pretty pathetic.

CXIV: Pranks should be kept to a minimum. Your chances of coming up with something unique are essentially nil, and turning someone's hair blue or making the Slytherins dress in Gryffindor colors wasn't funny the first time.

CXV: There had better be a point for putting a Quidditch play-by-play in a fic. Otherwise, it's just obligatory filler that everybody skips over anyway. See pranks re: "nothing new under the sun."

CXVI: A fic had better have something unique in it. Hint: ability to perform wandless magic or do a phoenix animagus*** don't qualify.

* Current exchange rate: 13.15 pounds sterling/gram (26.17 USD/gram).
** Assuming that galleons are comparable in size to a UK one-pound coin (~10 g mass) and that gold wizarding coins are predominantly gold, one has 131.50 pounds (261.70 USD) per galleon. If a galleon is 1/10 gold by mass, then it follows, roughly, on a 13/1 pounds/galleon exchange rate. Harry still doesn't have a billion galleons. In real-world terms: my wife and I together make around 300k USD/year. That equates to less than 100 galleons/month (pure gold) or 1000 galleons/month (1/10 gold by mass).
*** As said before, phoenix animagi should be put down. Brutally. With a runcible spoon, if possible.

 

Oh, please.

Any muggle-born should be able to see the enormous advantages of muggle technology.

Telephones? Computers? Space Travel?

And considering that all the Laws of Physics go out the window when you bring magic into the equation, creating a perpetual motion machine should be easy.