EDIT: This was really bad looking at first, until ninjacom referred me to the posting format rules.

Posting Format - Mass Effect

Subject: [PREDATORS] by [Made Nightwing] - [Rating is T]

Title: [PREDATORS]
Author: [Made Nightwing]
Rating: [Fanfiction.net rating is T]
Genre: [Adventure/Suspense]
DLP Category: [Other Fandoms]
Pairing: [No pairings]
Status: [Complete]
Summary: [Captain Robert Toland. United States Army Green Beret. Decorated combat veteran. Single father. And now, deep in the jungles of Colombia, an unwilling participant in the most popular show in the galaxy, outmatched, outgunned, and fighting for his life.]
Link: [http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6841289/1/PREDATORS]

 

I think you might to take at the posting format rules before posting a story here. Right now, it just looks sloppy and lazy and I really doubt many people will check out the story because of this.


As for the story, it's really not my cup of tea. I wasn't really sold by the premise here, so take my criticisms with a grain of salt. Right off the bat, I was inundated with names and ranks and the like in a perfect example of telling and not showing. It feels as if the author doesn't know how to introduce his characters very well, and so he just throws all that info out there! In fact, he even has a sentence (which is not really a sentence) dedicated to this:

"General Karol Padaruski, commander of the 82nd Airborne Division, Rear Admiral Solomon Vance, Operations Advisor to the United States Joint Chiefs of Staff and Major General Liam Kort, Special Advisor on Military Affairs to the President of the United States."

Not a good sign. The writing definitely falls at the low end of mediocre. There aren't many spelling mistakes, but a few pop up every now and then (desert =/= dessert). The descriptions and dialogue, however, are fairly weak. A lot of the dialogue is cringe-worthy, and while not the worst I've ever seen, it doesn't feel like actual people are talking to one another.

The author also loves giving the full designation of the object that he's trying to describe ("M1911 A1 Colt .45"). This might be kind of nitpicky, but I find it really draws me out of a story when the author uses these technical terms or constantly repeats the ranks of those present all of the time.


Finally, there's this line in the story that makes me want to :facepalm so hard.

"President Bush is gonna want to knight this guy with the report I'll be giving him,"

Yeah.

I don't know if this is supposed to be a joke, but it's not really funny. Either way, just makes the author look like an idiot.


2/5 for being readable.

 

It reads like a poor Tom Clancy wannabe. It's ok, but barely. It certainly didn't hold my interest for long; not even the entire first chapter, in fact.

2/5, I guess.

 

Thank you for referring me to the rules. I was unaware I was doing it wrong. I enjoyed it but I guess slogging through all the crap on ff.net has immunized me to lots of stuff that, to all the people reading the much better quality fanfictions on DLP, the mistakes would really slap them in the face. Thank you for your input but it still gets a 3/5 from me.

 

So you... wanted it to go into the recycling bin? 'Cause that's where fics with anything lower than a 4/5 rounded off go.

Lurk some man.

 

It originally got 4/5 from me, which is why I put it up for review but once they pointed out what they disliked with the fic, the flaws bothered me too. I still like the plot but I agree that there are major flaws within the story the mean it shouldn't go beyond the review board.

 

Also, honestly, this was just impossible to read.

1/5