WIP Shinobi: Team 7 by Gallyrat - T - Naruto

Discussion in 'Naruto' started by Banta, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Banta

    Banta The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    Title: Shinobi: Team 7
    Author: Gallyrat
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Friendship
    Status: WIP
    Fandom: Naruto
    Pairings: None yet.
    Summary: Naruto has always been a pretty average orphan. But when he enrolls in the Shinobi academy alongside Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke, he realizes that he is anything but ordinary. Massive AU.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9250029/1/Shinobi-Team-7

    I was pleasently surprised by this story. It's premise is a 'For Want of a Nail' -- what if, instead of marrying for love, Hashirama married for duty? A simple thing, but the author has made it have far reaching consequences, especially since it stretches out the timeline so that Hashirama was alive 200 years before the start of the story. This has resulted in a world both similar and different from the one we are used to.

    Most of the changes involve ninja clans and bloodlines. There's a lot of juicy backstory that is only waived at, which is something I like. I hate it when an author comes up with a really interesting history, but just tells it to us straight through unrealistic character interactions. Here, all the characters know this history, so they have no real need to say anything about. Everything comes out in little bits and pieces, and it's up to the reader to piece everything together. There are a few parts where it falters, but for the most part it works, and works well.

    This story does have a fair amount of Sakura in it, and there is a huge change in regards to Naruto and her that I'll put in spoiler tags.

    Sakura is the one being taught by Jiraiya instead of Naruto. She's currently in the process of learning the Rasengan, while Naruto is the one who is getting taught how to be a medic, though only for himself.

    I'm personally fine with that change, I actually really, really like it, but I know others are not. The switch works well, and the author does explain it in the contest of the story, but I know some folks are still going to rage at it.

    Another change I really like is in regards to the Sannin. We don't have the full backstory yet, or what happened to Orochimaru, but shit went down at some point. Tsunade is even more out on here own than in cannon, and as of the most recent chapter:

    Tsunade is being recruited into Akatsuki. As someone who wrote about that forever and a fucking day ago, it warms my heart to see this idea play out in more stories.

    All said, I give this a 4/5. It's a strong ten chapters in so far, and I really like the world the author has made and how they are introducing it to us.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2015
  2. tragicmat1

    tragicmat1 Death Eater

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    Agreed with the 4/5. I think what I love the most about this fic is that it's not afraid to change as many things as it possibly can, and still work well. It's honestly refreshing compared to the mass about of fix canons/canon rehash stories.
     
  3. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Auror

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    Rating: 2.5/5, rounded down to 2.

    It's well written. The problem? There is too much Sakura. Too much. She's

    learning from Jiraiya, learning the rasengan and generally giving her POV to the readers.

    Naruto himself is barely average. He doesn't really learn much. This fic falls into the common hole of showing him as pretty dumb. Kishi tried keeping him comically dumb, but this fic almost never shows any other side of him. He's almost universally bad at everything. He manages to

    kill Kakuzu, but that was when the guy was weakened already and with a lot of help from the others.

    Overall, my opinion is that while the premise is pretty great, the story simply pretends to be Naruto-centric, which is unforgivable. The amount of importance given to Sakura takes this into the murky area of Sakura-centrism. In addition, the story meanders. We're 70k+ words in, and the story hasn't reached anywhere. They've barely completed their first mission as genin, and we barely see any training going on. Their interactions with Kakashi aren't detailed. While their interactions with each other are fleshed out, they're not fleshed out enough. In addition, Naruto seems like he hasn't progressed a bit. He seems to feel like some sort of idiot with "ninjutsu" instead of "ramen" as the activation phrase. And yet, at this point in the story, he's got two. None of which were taught by Kakashi.

    Don't get me wrong, the story has some redeeming qualities, like Naruto's interactions with Hinata, Asuma and Kurenai. And the writing quality is pretty good. However, the flaws badly outweigh the positives. I found myself skimming several of the later chapters to find Naruto-centric content. And there was barely any.
     
  4. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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    I actually addressed all those issues when it was discussed in the almost recc'd thread. My concerns were exactly the same. I disagree about the Kakuzu part though. It was the part where Naruto actually shines. You gotta keep in mind he is just a genin and there is no shame in needing help to defeat an S-rank.
    Agree with everything else Genghiz has said. I'm hoping it gets better. So far all it has done is offer a lot of promise. Whether it delivers, remains to be seen.
     
  5. Ayreon

    Ayreon Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    I enjoyed the story so far. Interesting AU setup.

    I have to agree though, that the first chapters seem just like a very long prologue, so I can't give it more than a 4/5 at this point, since the actual plot has barely started.

    I don't know why people insist on giving low ratings just because they don't like certain characters. That's like giving low ratings to stories for being a genre that you don't like.
     
  6. Mutton

    Mutton Auror

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    Harry Potter doesn't have enough gunfights. 1/5.


    In all seriousness, I'm really enjoying this. There are issues and the story feels a bit papered over with the timeskips, but the AU is interesting and I'm excited to read more. 4/5
     
  7. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Persona 4 Admin

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    Fixed thread title. You forgot to include the author, the rating and the fandom.
     
  8. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Auror

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    No. The story is about Naruto. And we don't see enough of him. I am also perfectly entitled to rate a story based on how a certain character is portrayed. I've already mentioned in my review that I liked the writing.
     
  9. Shouldabeenadog

    Shouldabeenadog High Inquisitor

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    I am really liking this.

    Naruto feels like we are just tapping into his potential, while sakura is maturing well with own potential realized through Jiraiya. If anything it feels like Sasuke is without a mentor or leadership, but I want to see more of their training, who are their influences? Naruto got his well with Asuma and Mizuki, and Sakura picked up Jiraiya by the "running from the baths" sequence. Here's hoping that sasuke gets some legs up.
     
  10. VanRopen

    VanRopen Auror

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    Strange - I though the story was about Team 7.

    Calling these chapters an extended prologue was pretty spot on. It's an AU world, and all four members of the team are in a different position than in canon - so the author basically cycled through to introduce them to us and sprinkle in a bunch of exposition. It seems weird to complain about the supposed lack of Naruto when he got his screen time too, and the fight scenes (the championship fight and Kakuzu) showed he is every bit as strong as them.
     
  11. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Auror

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    Read the summary, Van. It straight up states that the story is about Naruto. Nothing's wrong with Team 7 centrism. The way this fic is going, though, makes me feel that it sort of going towards writing an HP fic with Hermione as the girl who lived and Harry as the bookworm. Except, you know, that she's still crazy smart, and he's canon Harry.

    The Kakuzu bit was nice, and it does show that Naruto isn't a complete disaster. I'd agree. I personally feel it could have been more impressive, or that the enemy could have been a bit more their level and Naruto could have finished him off on his own. To each his own, I guess. Jiraiya teaching Sakura the rasengan, though, was the absolute last straw. And Naruto not really getting anything near that level. Sakura is being allowed to crack codes which Konoha Intelligence cannot, being taught by Jiraiya and being seen as the leader of the team by Kakashi. Naruto might be strong, yes, but the fic isn't really going in a direction which makes me confident of its Naruto-centrism. And I find that a severe problem in the "Naruto" fandom.
     
  12. VanRopen

    VanRopen Auror

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    But "alongside Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke" is in the second sentence there too. You are saying there is nothing wrong with Team 7 centrism, and are then complaining about it not being Naruto centric.

    Sure, I felt that way about the Kakuzu fight too, but the team championship was probably a better comparison anyways. It was the three of them against opponents on their level, and all three did very well. They didn't outshine Naruto or anything. If that is the sort of balance that keeps up (and it did - everyone did pretty well in the lead up to the Kakuzu fight, with Naruto being the best), I don't really see the issue.

    Sakura wasn't cracking codes the spies couldn't, Shikamaru suggested they (as in, she was just one of many such candidates through the years) were being given parts of impossible problems just to see what gets spit out. Naruto is still the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. He doesn't have anything that can match the Rasengan, but Sakura doesn't actually have the Rasengan yet either - and don't forget there is no Tsunade to make her not shit here.


    I just think its premature to start complaining about Naruto's lack of ability when he hasn't fallen behind them.
     
  13. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Auror

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    I'll rethink my review after a few chapters, then. Let this "extended prologue" get over, and then a revisit is in order.
     
  14. joshuafaramir

    joshuafaramir Unspeakable

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    So far, from what I've read from Genghiz Khan's review, this is deceptively a Naruto centric fic but in reality, is more of a Sakura-kicks-ass-Naruto-sidekick fic.. Will probably skip reading it until I hear more good stuff.
     
  15. Darth Disaster

    Darth Disaster The Waking Sith Prestige DLP Supporter

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    There's a fair amount of Sakura focus, but I like the writing enough to give it time to pick up the pace on Naruto himself. We'll see what happens.

    Tentative 4/5, highly subject to change, though.
     
  16. Darth Disaster

    Darth Disaster The Waking Sith Prestige DLP Supporter

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    This just updated today, I'm glad to see some focus on characters besides Sakura, even if she did get a bit more screen time than the other genin in this one.

    Shit got real at the end, too. I like where it's going so far.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
  17. Lion

    Lion Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    This updated last night. Pretty interesting read on the history of the Hokages in the AU. Lots of hints as to what Konoha has been through, also Hokage Hinata is a badass.
     
  18. Crash

    Crash Third Year

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    This fic updated a couple of days ago, and it takes us just up to before the Chunin exams start. It's a little frustrating that there's little to go on in terms of the focus or endgame of this fic, or even this arc. That said, reading it so far has been enjoyable; the writing's not bad, there are neat tidbits of backstory, and the characterizations and hints at plot-lines to come are tantalizing. At 90k words, the fic is definitely worth a read, and is one that's definitely worth keeping an eye on.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2015
  19. Palindrome

    Palindrome Magma Moderator Moderator DLP Supporter

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    I've finished reading five chapters of this story so far, and I'm super frustrated for some reason. So, I thought I'd immortalise my current thoughts in a little bullet point rant.

    Cons:
    • The humour falls flat. Often.
      The author tries to crack jokes, and just can't seem to pull them off. You know you've hit poorly-executed when everyone's bent over laughing at some line that just makes you cringe.​
    • The characters aren't interesting.
      Maybe what they get up to is interesting, but I haven't yet met a single character I actually wanted to see more of. Naruto's an idiot, Sakura is wearing, Sasuke is bland, the side characters are often boring. Everyone lacks that spark that makes them human, which is actually incredible considering they all have their own sideplots and backgrounds. How do you manage to flesh out everyone's motives and backgrounds and still make them feel like cardboard cut-outs? I think it's in part because everyone just gets along too well with each other. The only conflict is with that particular character's Designated Villain, otherwise everyone's attitudes towards each other are pretty samey. (With the notable exception of Naruto and Hinata)​
    • The worldbuilding isn't as interesting as I'd hoped.
      The world behind all this is the main draw of the story it seems, but I feel it's more or less shoved down our throats. Isn't this interesting, reader? Don't you want to learn more about all the clan bullshit I've invented up? The author doesn't do a bad job of developing the world, but it just feels like it's contrived. Most of the time I feel like I'm in a video game where some NPC is hurriedly explaining some lore to me because I hit that dialogue option - it just doesn't slot in smoothly with the narrative, you have Sakura literally reading it at you from a book and lampshading 'Why do I need to review this? I already know all of it, of course!' Infuriating.​
    • The conflict feels contrived.
      I'm not very far into the story as of writing this, but beyond the Naruto and Hinata incident all the conflict has been set up in a very clumsy way. Starting a riot, the way the Senju kid in their class acts, how Fugaku treats his son, how everyone keeps getting mind-wiped, despite that I don't know enough about the latter situation to judge. I just don't really buy into any of it - in each instance I think I just expect everyone to act differently. More professionally. I always feel like there are more sensible options that could be taken, like these characters that should be fairly 3D considering what's built up for them just crumble back to 2D when it's time for them to actually do anything. I wonder if the story doesn't just stretch itself too thin when trying to involve so many characters?​

    Pros:
    • I like the elements of mystery built up.
      The circumstances behind Naruto's everything have been portrayed in a pretty interesting way. It's satisfying to slowly gain pieces of the puzzle to slot together, and the whole thing honestly feels fairly sinister. The new world, too, is good to slowly discover, although it does feel like there's just too much the author wants to convey, and it's done in a jarring way as mentioned before.​
    • The Hinata conflict.
      Pretty good example of an interesting character conflict. 'Nuff said.​

    I'll come back to this once I've read more of the story, and update it with what gets better or worse. It'll be interesting to see if I'm barking up the wrong tree on my assumptions here. Check back in like a day.
    Edit: taking me a long time to work up the interest to get through this. Hmm.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2015
  20. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    All the back and forth and I had to see for myself. My thoughts:

    Chapter 1
    It's a nice change of pace to see Team 7 friends as young children, but that's only going to work in the long run if plenty of other obstacles present themselves for them to deal with. Removing the drama between the three of them means it needs to be replaced with something else.

    The information on clans is interesting. I'd say that it's usually inserted pretty well into the narrative too. Kudos.

    Lots of the interactions feel forced, and it's too much to ignore. Some of them feel shoehorned in on top of being awkward to read. I mean, Naruto stumbles into Asuma who decides to tell him a love story that's not so subtly about Kurenai? >.>

    Chapter 2
    More interesting world building inserted clumsily into the story... but honestly I've read worse, in terms of shoehorning information in, and that in itself isn't a huge issue for me with this story.

    That said, the story did encourage me to start skimming when it went into 'explanation' mode on something that wasn't interesting and/or new.

    WTF... memory alteration?

    ...and at Chapter 3, I start skimming primarily instead of reading properly. This is the kind of story that I could see being interesting a few chapters later, once the author has found their feet a bit more. There's potential in the world building and all the characterization changes, but inexperience is strangling it at the moment.

    If the reviewers above are correct about Naruto not having much of anything going for him, while Sakura keeps her intellect from canon while also gaining a lot of power, then... that's probably an issue.

    I won't know til I get there (if I do), but it's not about the focus being more on Team7 than Naruto. If I'm reading comments (and future chapter glimpses) correctly, it's about making sure Naruto is still a viable protagonist.

    Cheers.

    I won't rate the thread unless I read more than the first two chapters, but tentatively I'd say it's "Almost Recommended." Mostly for the potential world building and fresh ideas. At best, 3/5. Probably 2/5.