I just posted it in the WBA section, and any comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

Very nice but, the warden's reaction to Harry using a killing curse seems slightly... unlikely to me. I just doubt that even a warden would threaten someone who helped save him and his comrades in the middle of a total rout. Also the fact that it was an Outsider that he was killing just makes it seem a little less likely.

Anyway just IMO.

I'm looking forward to where you go with this.

 

I like it, and am also looking forward to further chapters. I'll head off noob's protests (or Taure's) that the Hit-wizards are police in canon by saying that Samuel probably knows this, and made the change deliberately. If you didn't, don't say anything.

Hopefully next is where Harry Apparates behind the Warden and disarms him.

No apostrophe.

Insert a "We did" in front perhaps. 'To' to 'too.'

"It was hard, but the corruption inherent in normal Ministry business was absent."

Aurors. 'Left us to ourselves.'

Not. Perhaps change the first comma to an ';'?

Will post more later.

Edit: More.

Runcorn and I rushed down to investigate, while the third member of the team went to gather reinforcements.

clearly through the thick walls.

"It barely got up in time." (Because of the closely repeated 'I's)

Note the three sentences close together that all go something like this: "It did this, as I did this."

Question: When did the demon's tentacle wrap around Harry's arm, and why did Harry breath a sigh of relief when said tentacle was still wrapped around his arm?

 

Thanks for the grammar help.

Yeah, I was aware of the Hit-wizard equals police force thing. If I recall though, you never actually see them in the books. Plus, to me at least, when I hear Hit-wizard, I don't think police. I hear the name, and I think they do hits on people, hit and runs, that sort of thing. I know it's different in canon, but, eh, whatever. So yeah, the change was deliberate.

 

I like the start, and the fight. Very realistic considering what they're up against...

But the only issue I got is the very end where, the sword is pointed at Harry and he's automatically branded warlock.

I'm going to give you some advice and criticism, feel free to ignore, but these are idea's I think would work well for your fic.

I'm guessing you want harry to either be held before the white council, or to go on the lamb to discover more about this world.

I gotta say, even though the Dresden section is pretty much baren, thats already cliche.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I felt it should be said.

Why not try something different, like, the outsider is about to pounce on one end, and the vampires are attacking on the other... Harry flash aparates to the warden guy and saves him while sending the avada...

He keeps flash aparating till he passes out and the wards are up. Or better yet, he is gravely injured by an outsider while killing it...

He's already demonstrated the avada, but he's also saved the warden, which will confuse them.

He can doze off to mumblings from the wardens ... like

"He killed an Outsider..."

"But he killed with magic... warlock"

and so forth.

A little more indecision and less information given are always better for a beginning.

Plus, having the wardens as automatically hating him even though he fought back to back with them is a bit contrived. If nothing else have some of the other wardens come to his defense.

Otherwise, I look forward to your next post.

Edit: Consider harry going through most of the first few chapters( like 6 or 7 at least ) utterly clueless that he isn't in his own world, constantly trying to get back to england when he finds out he's in the states.( I'm assuming)

It gives you some time to further develop the plot, keep it action packed, and it gives harry a reasonable goal to try to attain, while he's puzzling what the hell is going on.

I swear I want to hit a baby in the groin every time a universe traveling harry automatically figures out he's in a parallel dimension. That should be the farthest thought from his mind if you consider it.

 

The Warden reacted because he could tell Avada Kedavra is Black Magic. I thought that would be obvious. Wardens are there to protect humans from the supernatural and Black Wizards, it's probably an instinct reaction to question someone who just used black magic in front of him. Add in that Harry has just given him part of his Name and we've already got an interesting set up.

I imagine the explanation is going to be entertaining, considering that magic in the HP world doesn't corrupt your soul if you use it. Still, the Dresdenverse has a significant advantage over Harry in the short term, especially since he's more than willing to give out his name without realising the consequences.

 

I liked it, to early to rate, keep it up though and you'll get many starts.

 

I'm liking it so far. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I liked the death curse of the wizard that you described. I'm not sure the warden(Morgan?) would be that concerned with his killing curse especially because it wasn't cast on a human, but I don't know. Good start!

 

The first paragraph reminded me of the Doom3 trailer from way back. The one with the skulls flying out of the gate.

Seeing as every new Dresden story is a good story and this is no exception there really isn't much for me to say besides MOAR!

 

I'm reserving judgment for later, but as of now, I'm thinking 4.5/5. Nice start though. It holds promise. Update soon!

 

Hmm, not bad, but I'll have to see more. As far as Harry being called a warlock that is fine as long as there no formal charges. We know from the books that the The Seven Laws of Magic really only apply with humans. The Wardens might want to keep a close eye on him and call him warlock all they want, but unless he harms another person he should get away with only a warning.

 

I liked it. The Killing curse, uh-huh, nice idea!
That is around Dead Beat (book 7)? In the Nevernever, where the council retreated?

 

Why do you keep posting in this thread? Use the review thread he linked to. Everytime I see a post in here I get my hopes up. >_<

 

Small Question: why does Harry smell his Avada Kedavra? I don't believe HP magic smells.

 

Yeah, this was one of my major concerns when I started this. I wanted to write a story with Harry on the run, but it's kinda already been done so I scratched it. I think you'll be pretty surprised where I take it, at least hopefully.

The thing with Harry not realizing he's in another world/dimension/whatever, is kinda tricky. He went through the Veil, came out somewhere else. I don't know how to make it so he doesn't seem like a complete retard, but I don't want him to immediately go 'OMG, alternatez dimensionz!!1!' It's the one thing that I'm trying to polish up before I post the next chapter.

 

Well I read your update, much more promising. As to harry not realizing, maybe don't have him say it in so many words.

Maybe have him run through more plausible scenarios like, wizarding cults, vigilante groups, secret operatives of a foreign ministry.

All those to him might have access to foreign branches of magic, and deal with demons.

Kind of a secret society within a secret society scenario.

As long as he doesn't try and do any of there magic I don't see why he would even consider that maybe this isn't the world he started out in.

He might question to himself why they chose to do certain spells when he could see other more obvious ways of staying alive in battle. Adds to the confusion.

Maybe on the outside chance, have him assume someone has been mucking up the timeline somehow. So much so that he try's to figure out where in history it might have happened. Maybe he might think he himself changed history through his interactions with the veil, and was protected from the changes by being sucked into it.

using one cliche to negate another.

Something definitive could be used to force him to realize that this isn't his world, like he finally reaches england only to find that Where hogwarts should be, some muggle strip club stands, and hogsmead is a stripmall.

 

edit: Forgot about the review threads and whatnot. Can a mod delete this, please?

 

Doom of Damocles? Apprentice-Potter? I'd like to see how you bring Harry into the world of Dresden and the White Council. I need more.

 

Yep. Good work on the different ending. Much more plausible imho. Even Morgan wouldn't be so quick to judge someone who just saved their collective asses.

 

Yeah, I like the new ending. Just had a thought pertaining to the veil. No doubt other wizards have gone through the veil. Most of them probably didn't survive the journey through the Outside, but what if some of them have and ended up in the Dresdenverse?

These HPverse wizards that survived could have created their own cult or following, i.e they are the brains behind the Black Counsel, or they have a group that is separate from the White Counsel.

It could make for an interesting subplot.