I've been giving your story some thought...

When Harry wakes up, and I am assuming you'll have him a prisioner in some way, have him try to exert some authority.

I mean he is an unspeakable of the British ministry of magic. Thats got to be some kind of rank above auror, or atleast over general security.

He wakes up to find he's being held captive, he can demand to know who has him and what rank they are. Demanding to speak to their supervisor or be put in contact with his ministry.

I don't think a lot of Dresden verse wardens get asked what rank they are by the kids they capture to get beheaded, or demand to get put into contact with non existing branches of government. That'll add to the confusion, and play into the fact that Harry still hasn't realized he's traveled worlds.

Maybe the wardens might pause and think he is one of the signers of the unseelie accords.

Give him the necessary time to keep from being executed and form some plan of escape when he decides these guys aren't playing by his rules.

After that its up to you and your plot.

Feel free to use or ignore that suggestion.

Still waiting on your update.

 

Expect it tomorrow night. I just got off of work, so I don't really have time to finish it up. I start work tomorrow at eight, and if I get most of it done tonight, I'll go ahead and post it, but I'm thinking about just going to sleep. 15 hour days for the win.

 

Dude... 15 hours... On Canada Day.

fuck that. You better be getting paid holiday pay for that.



Edit: Read the update. Not bad. A little fast paced for my tastes, but still enjoyable.

I paused when the gate keeper said the necromancers magic was similar.

If thats not a hint I don't know what is.

But I'm dieing to see Sue.

So far, I'm enjoying the fic Keep it up.

 

I'm not sure what to think of this so far. I like the idea of throwing Harry Potter into the Dresdenverse, but I'm not sure if I like the Veil being a key to go past the Outer Gates. I won't even try to rate it until we have a clearer idea of where you want to take us, though. Good opening bit so far.

 

It seems to be moving kind of fast but I'm enjoying it so far. You seemed to get the Gatekeeper's personality fairly well. I'm looking forward to the next update.

 

Be kind of funny if there is no chance for Harry to get back to his world so he recreates Hogwarts and made the first ever magical educational intuition in the Dresdenverse

Oh, HP/Molly FTW!!

 

Short but nice
I like the Gatekeeper, he is in his own way absolute hilarious.
So, Dead Beat was the right guess,
great, I hope we get to see Sue

 

Please please please STOP IT FOR FUCK SAKE.
There is a story thread and there is a review thread. Reviews go in the review thread, story updates go in the story thread. It is not complicated.
HERE
HERE
HERE

 

I like it, I really do, but there's a huge problem.

You need to learn to describe things man, give us some details to go on. Here are a few examples.

Okay, we get it, he's awake, and there's a warden in the doorway. But what kind of room is it? What does it look like? Is it a gray interrogation room, or is it a hospital? Did he wake up on the floor, or on a bed, a couch? Details! I don't know about others, but it makes it hard to fall into the 'reader trance' if I can't imagine where the character is.

Okay, same problem. The town is different, but how is it different? Is it a major fucking city with whores and homeless people walking around? Is it a small town with only two shops and a couple houses? What is it?

Besides that I liked it, but it's hard to "get in the mood" when I can't imagine where Harry is, you know?

 

Not disagreeing with your point but that was a bad example. He has just woken up hes not going to be noticing things in great detail.

 

So, when you first wake up in an unknown location, and look around the room, all you will notice will be a guy standing in the doorway.

Most people would take note at some level of the room itself.

 

More than that it's a good way to get the reader interested in the story; it's the little bits of description that make a fic stand out, unless the writing style is dead set against it of course. It makes it easier to get into the fic in my experience, but there's always the problem of finding the right amount of description... Too much is a bad thing just like too little.

 

Thanks for bringing that up, tell me if I get it fixed in the next chapters.

 

Don't go too overboard though. Massive heaps of description bog down a story's flow, unless the purpose of the scene is itself description.

 

The beginning to the first chapter was a bit "meh" but it picked up after a while and I'm now quite enjoying it. I'd back up both the advice for more description and the warning of over-describing.

One thing that needs more detail is the action. It all seems a bit samey at the start - "Harry jabbed his wand and X flew back". Adding more description will differentiate the action. The Ancient Egyptian spell was cool.

 

The interaction between Harry and the Outsider was cringe worthy. I mean seriously, "puny mortal!", etc. is very cliche. I don't know, the dialogue just seemed off to me. And as someone said above, you need to describe things more. Often authors get into the habit of too much description, but you don't have enough.

Also, in the beginning, 'to' should be 'too'. Common mistakes like this piss me off, after all, homonyms/homophones are covered in middle school. It's not calculus or anything.

Besides those few things, it's pretty decent so far.

3.8 for now.

 

Just a nitpick, but iirc the Outsider in Blood Rites it always spoke in thees/thous. They've been all but excluded from the real world for many, many years so any language they learn would probably be outdated.

 

Yeah, you know, I tried to write it like that, but I couldn't do it. Everytime I did it, it just came off wrong. I'm still trying to write it right, but... yeah. I'm not a big fan of writing like that, or reading that.

 

Well we only heard that from one Outsider, whose to say they all speak like that.

But some distinction in there speach would be helpful.

It is true now that I think about it... Puny mortal is fairly cliche... as is Riling up the big bad outsiders.

As was stated from the Dresden RPG, The outsiders are so very different from us, they are practically antithetical. It would be like an ant trying to insult us.

We probably won't even realize it at the time. Then again, ants don't usually apperate and call down lightning.

A balance is needed.

 

I would suggest looking at the rant at the end of Small Favor, where Thorned Namshiel is ranting at Dresden for beating him down with Soulfire. The Fallen are in the same type of ancientness (lol apparently spell check says thats a word) and that might give you some help.